Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more...

So, I go through phases where I have a favorite song that kinda typifies my life and faith at the moment. My song of the moment is "Somewhere in the Middle" by Casting Crowns. Don't laugh, it came out several years ago, but we just got the CD... the non-existent Christian bookstores here and lack of radio definitely put a damper on our keeping up with the music industry.

I love the lines - "Just how close can I get, Lord, to 'I surrender' without losing all control? ...With eyes wide to the difference in the God we want and the God Who is... but will we trade our dreams for His?" ...I can say I am surrendered to Christ, and to a lot of people, it may appear that I am... hey, I'm living in a third world country for Jesus - doesn't that count for anything? But the Lord knows my heart and how I fight His plan because my plan for my life is so much better.

Take my current circumstances... Brant is stuck in a tribe who knows where it is and I am stuck here with 3 little boys who are on a downward cycle of getting fussier and more disobedient by the day... and who knows when or how he is going to get home... best case scenario - he'll be on a helicopter tomorrow morning and be on the plane back here tomorrow afternoon. Worse case scenario - the guys will decide to hike out of the tribe if the weather continues to be bad... it's a grueling 3-4 day hike that will make scaling Everest seem like a piece of cake. Does that put him back next week sometime? I will be in the crazy house by then....

So this morning when I got the call they would not make it out today, I cried some and starting praying and my prayer went a little like this "Lord, I need him to come out. Please clear the clouds - I know You've done it before and can do it again - so just clear the clouds and bring them home" To which the Lord replied... Yes, I can clear the clouds if I want to... maybe it's better that I don't... So it comes down to an issue of faith - do I really trust the Lord that His plan is better than mine and that leaving the guys in there at least one extra day is in His plan? I know that is true - but sometimes I think my plans are so much better...

One thing I have learned during this whole experience - other than the fact that it is possible for me to take care of the boys and stay by myself and survive in a 3rd world country - is a greater appreciation for Brant! He is such a stabilizing factor in our lives and it is so nice just to have someone to share life with... I really miss him a ton. The other thing I have realized is how crucial my role is in this family... by seeing his absence and how much the boys miss him and how things are harder as a single parent makes me realize that I actually contribute a lot and I can picture myself being gone and him trying to hold it together here. ...don't know if that makes sense or not. I guess I am realizing how well we work together and am so thankful for him.

So, to all you out there in the great big blog world, please be praying that the weather clears and that Brant makes it home tomorrow. And be praying for my attitude if he doesn't. :)