Being refined

This picture has nothing to do with my ramblings; I just like it and thought I'd add it to lighten the mood. :) This is Ezra last month eating black beans for the first time - he loved them. Beans are a huge treat here - a regular can of black beans costs about $3.50 when they happen to have them in the store, so it's not one of those cheap meals like in the States.

One of the hard things about being here is that on hard days when all 3 of your kids are throwing up all over the place and you are exhausted because they had been throwing up all night long is that you cannot just call and order a pizza and have it delivered... well, actually you can (yeah!) but, as there are no standards at all in food safety here it's always a bit of a risk - will the take-out you order make you violently ill??? Usually it's worth the risk, but when your kids are throwing up already...

So you can be praying for us. :) I am thankful I had a "meal in a box" that a very sweet, thoughtful mom sent from the States for nights such as this one!

One of the great things about life here is that it is hard... I have learned SO much about trusting the Lord and walking with Him since coming here. I know, I know, missionaries are supposed to be super spiritual people to begin with; but in reality, I was just a normal person before becoming a missionary and have really gotten my worldview and my understanding of Who God is and how He works rocked since moving over here.

Our first year here we experienced some really, really hard things - being diagnosed with a heart condition, miscarrying, having our home broken into and losing thousands of dollars and all our important paperwork... but I really saw God's grace and gentleness in ways I had never seen before and at the end of that year I could honestly say I was thankful for everything we had experienced, despite the pain, because it was worth all I had learned about God's character and grace to get me through hard things.

So this past year I have had hard times in totally different ways... we have had major conflicts with other missionaries and with leadership and been hurt by some really ugly things said by fellow "oh so spiritual" missionaries. I am not into personnel conflict and hate having people not like me, and it's been a humbling, hurtful time. But these past few weeks I've been doing a great Bible study on contentment, and one of the sections is on relationships with other believers and trusting the Lord with those relationships... including the hurt that is often caused. Do I trust that the Lord has orchestrated this pain and this hurt for my benefit and for His glory? Do I trust that this pain and humility He has planned for my life is in His master plan? It's hard to think of God planning something like that... and unlike the previous hard times, it's hard for me to be thankful for this time.

But as I have been praying about it and reading my Bible I'm realizing that as I learn to forgive them - and as I learn to draw on God's grace for the strength to forgive - I am learning how much I have been forgiven. Referring to the passage in Matthew 18 where the king forgave a debtor millions of dollars only to have that man go out and demand payment from another man who owed him $2000... I am the one who has been forgiven a huge, unrepayable debt... those who have offended me owe the $2000. I have made lists of every hurtful, painful thing said and done to me this past year... and as I read the list the Lord brings to mind my own list of sins... "You did that once... you said... your attitude was arrogant, prideful, hurtful, etc, etc, etc" I am humbled as I remember my own sin and how much God has forgiven me and how patient He is to put up with all my trash again and again and again.

I am definitely not there yet... but in learning what it means to really forgive and really love others I am learning how much I have been forgiven and how much I am loved unconditionally. And those lessons will be far more valuable than any pain I have experienced...

I just wish there was an easier way to learn some of these lessons! :)