Life lately

I really hate it when people who have blogs never update them... :)

I wish I could say it's because life has been so calm and there's nothing to write about - ha! - but the truth is we have had so much mental stress going on lately it's been really hard to sit down and pretend nothing is wrong... and I don't really feel ready to write it all out - still a lot to process and trying to work through some issues before the Lord and don't necessarily want to spit them all over my blog. :) Basically we're still working through our ministry options here and what our short term plans are going to be, so you can pray about it for us but I won't say much more than that about it now.

I think it's because I've had so much on my mind lately I have had a hard time focusing and making decisions regarding Christmas plans... stupid stuff like "What are we going to eat on Christmas Eve for dinner?" You have to be really creative here with stuff like that as"traditional" stuff is not readily available.

I've also been having a hard time getting Christmas cards and seeing my friends' Christmas photos on Facebook and missing home and "normal" life. Do you know there are people in life who just live? Sometimes it sounds so nice to just have kids and enjoy them and write Christmas letters about where you went on vacation this past year and what birthday party theme your 5 year old had and how your husband loves his job and just got a raise. :)

I know, I know, life in America is not always as pretty and easy as I remember it to be. :) But I'm blogging here, not trying to be real factual. :)

So, I've been watching my kids the past few days and am realizing that just because we live here and face some unique challenges doesn't mean I can't enjoy having little kids and laugh at their craziness and relish the few short days when they're young and silly. It doesn't matter that our kids opened their Christmas presents on Christmas morning wearing shorts and no shirts because they were sweating because the electricity was off (It has gone off at least once EVERY day for the past 3 weeks). They still had a ball with their stockings and new presents and were so excited it was fun to watch. We had a great time even though it wasn't cold outside and they weren't wearing cute Christmas pajamas just like all my other friends' kids.

So I've been thinking about things I enjoy about my kids...

Elijah, at 5, is so full of wonder at the world. He asks fifty million questions a day (not an exaggeration in the slightest) and talks non-stop, so sometimes it gets on my nerves but I love how inquisitive he is and how he is always trying to figure his little world out. I also love how he is starting to ask so many questions about God and loves to read Bible stories with us.

Caleb just turned 3 at Thanksgiving and is a riot! He has brown eyes (as my parents point out, the only descendant of theirs without blue eyes) and I love his eyes! They are so mischievous and he is always making up songs and playing 3 year old jokes - which, being not funny at all, are hilarious. He is convinced he cannot see me if I don't have my glasses on, which he calls my "sunglasses" and since he always wakes up before 6, he usually brings me my "sunglasses" to come wake me up. :)

Ezra celebrates 11 months today. He is my joy - he cannot talk back or whine. He is fat and squishy and cuddly and he hangs on my arm like a koala bear. He's just starting to get shy so if we're out in public (where he always gets tons of pinches and little Indonesian grandmas patting him) he tightens his grip on my arm and buries his face in my chest. He's such the easiest baby and I LOVE his red hair...

Anyways, on Christmas Eve we ended up eating mac-n-cheese out of a box (great treat from America) I had had this great plan that we would make homemade pizza and each decorate our own, but I spent all Christmas Eve day baking for Christmas Day, so was totally exhausted and didn't want to make pizza dough that night. :) I did make egg nog for the first time ever though.... really easy and way better than the box stuff that I had always bought for Brant in the States (he loves it; I'm not a huge fan) and I made gingerbread - but it was a box mix Brant's mom had sent from Trader Joe's. SO good!

Other really encouraging thing was today we went to the beach with some friends who are out of their tribe for a break. It was beautiful - like the kind of exotic tropical beach people pay big bucks to vacation at. There are a few perks to living here. :)

I tried to post a few pics... it takes forever to upload pics with our internet connection. I bought Brant series 5 of "House" on iTunes for Christmas... SEVEN HOURS to download ONE episode!

Us at the beach :)

Elijah with a starfish - still alive. They have all different colors - kinda like at SeaWorld except for real. :)

Ezra all done taking pictures! I love his face.

My 3 sweet boys in their matching Christmas shirts (taken before Ezra was all done) :)

The rocking chair

I was in the middle of writing out some really heavy thoughts... life has been a bit crazy and lots of stuff to think about and process lately. Anyways, I was trying to write it all out and then Ezra woke up and needed to be fed. I sat in fed him and then rocked him and played with him - his favorite game of late is laying out on my knees and looking at the world upside down as I rock him. Amazing how much kids can be mood lifters. (Or drive you to insanity as my two older ones are refusing to go to sleep now!)

As I was sitting there rocking him, I was praising the Lord again for my rocking chair. I had an old rocking chair when Elijah was a baby - Brant pulled it out of a trash pile and fixed it up some and I loved it and was hooked on having a rocking chair. Not one of those modern glider type things... I like the feel of rocking and the look of a classic rocking chair.

Anyways, with all the moving we have done, the beater rocking chair did not make it on the "must pack" list when we moved to Indonesia. Ever since I have tried to get a rocking chair over here - tried buying one in Java (hideously ugly... I'm talking really, really ugly dragons and crowns carved all over this enormous chair) We tried to get one of those Cracker Barrel rocking chairs in a box to ship over when we were back in the States last fall... $450 - to SHIP the stupid thing over here (that was the cheapest rate we found) And while we seriously contemplated paying that - we figured paying $125 for a rocking chair and then 3 times as much to ship it would be outrageous.

So this summer while Brant was stuck in the tribe, I was bored one night and got the great idea to post on the missionary community website that I was looking for a rocking chair - did anyone have one to sell or know of a local woodworker who could make one? I got several responses from people who had had them made locally (common here to have furniture built - really cheap and lots of woodworkers around) We began the hunt from house to house looking at people's rocking chairs to see if we could find one we liked so we could hire the same woodworker. It was a bit like Goldilocks - some too big, some too fancy...

We had gotten one email from a gentleman willing to loan us his rocking chair... I wasn't real keen on the idea of borrowing a chair (especially with little boys in the house!) and I really wanted to own my own chair, but he kept calling and saying "When are you going to come pick it up?" We explained that we really wanted to have our own to which he replied "You can borrow it as long as you like" ...which is still not the same as owning it. But to make him happy, (and keep him from calling!) we agreed to come pick it up...

When we got to his house, his wife met us and showed us the rocking chair... it was gorgeous. It looked like a classic Amish rocking chair - beautiful wood and perfect in every way a rocking chair should be. :) (I'll take a picture and post it!) But then the kicker... her husband had made it - woodworking was his hobby since childhood and he loved to do projects! He had loaned it to several young moms in the community over the years and didn't have a problem letting us use it as well. So we loaded the beautiful rocking chair in the car, excited to call it ours even if only for a short time.

Then... he called us and said "I just finished my latest project and am looking for a new project to do... would you like me to make you your own rocking chair?" I almost started crying... let me see... would I like my own custom made beautiful Amish style rocking chair?

So long story, he is building my rocking chair right now! It's supposed to be done soon... maybe next week. I will post pictures - you will probably hear me crying in excitement even from wherever you are. :)

So tonight as I was rocking in Ezra and kinda discouraged, I remembered how God is so into details and how He provided a rocking chair so my little boy could lean back and look at the world in new ways. I am so thankful we serve a God Who cares so much for us.

September

Since we have started this adventure of missionary life, one of the big issues has always been money. When we started the two year missionary training program in the fall of 2004, we were not allowed to work and yet because we had not yet graduated from the program, we were not "real missionaries" and hence we couldn't really ask people for support. So, the months before we started the training we saved and saved every penny we could and figured if we were very careful, the money would last us the school year til summer break when Brant could try to get a job.

Our savings were gone the first week we started school.

I don't exactly remember what happened... something involving selling our car and some bills we thought that had been paid... anyways, in a matter of days our bank account was empty.

That was our first September as missionaries. It was a lean month. But, seeing as how I'm still writing this tonight, we didn't starve. :)

The second year of our training we were much more confident. We had ended the summer working for a church which had given us a very generous love offering as we headed back to school. But somehow September rolled around and we had exactly $60 in our bank account. We budgeted $10 for gas and $50 for groceries for the whole month... which, even if you're not good at math, adds up to not much. :) I remember going to the store and buying a bunch of bananas and milk (both for then 1 year old Elijah) and cans of beans. We ate everything in our house... you know all those weird cans that just accumulate in the back of your pantry and bags of flour and sugar and frozen peas that are way too old to eat? ...We literally emptied everything in our house and lived the entire month on free day old bread from the mission food pantry. It was a really discouraging time... we felt like we were drowning in this darkness of constantly worrying about money and food.

I will stop here and explain that Brant and I are not bad with money... we are actually pretty careful and conservative and because of the crazy fluxing nature of finances living as a missionary, we go over our budget every month. So, not sure why we ended up with nothing. :)

Anyways, the following year we had taken an extra training course for advanced linguistics and so were still in the training. That September we were broke again, but it was because of the major expenses of the special program we were in and moving to live with the Cherokee people to study their language. I remember right before our move we met with our prayer group on campus and shared our concerns about how much money the program would cost... I think it was about $1500 and we needed half of it up front... roughly $750. I remember the group prayed we would get our $750 and we left the next day for Cherokee land.

By the end of our time in Cherokee land (roughly two months), we had the money... except that the $750 came from churches and people who signed up to become monthly supporters... so we got that $750 every month from then on! And the Lord just provided the rest... Anyways, we came home with $1500 EXTRA in the bank after all our bills had been paid and $750 in promised support and we laughed at how God can answer prayers in ways bigger than we imagine.

So where is all this financial history going? It does have a point. :) The point is, we have come to HATE the month of September and always dread it... not sure why, but our support is always lowest in September.

We made it through this last month okay and now it's October. Didn't they have Black Monday in October? We got an email today... short - just 3 lines - "We are moving our support towards missionaries concentrating on soul winning. Your support is discontinued immediately. God bless."

So apart from the discouragement of being accused of being a missionary who doesn't care about "winning souls" and apart from the discouragement of realizing that this supporter has little concern for discipleship or even simply the concept that we are simply commanded to preach the Gospel, not "save souls"; came the reality that we just lost our biggest supporter. This supporter single-handedly covered about a third of our monthly support... which, even if you're bad at math, is a lot. :)

So there was shock... still shock I think. And tears. And the afternoon was spent going over numbers and trying to figure out how we can cut our budget by a third and still have money to do ministry and eat at the same time. :) And throughout the day going over Scriptures...

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes but its leaves will be green. And it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit." - Jeremiah 17:7-8

I write all this out this evening not to whine or in some subtle way ask for support from anyone happening to read this. But as Moses reminded the Israelites in Deuteronomy 8 to "remember all the way the Lord has led you" I look back on these years (five now!) of seeing how God has provided. Sometimes we have had very little and sometimes we have had much, but God has always taken care of us. I need to remind myself tonight to remember that this did not take the Lord by surprise and that He can provide for us with or without some rich businessman in America.

Sometimes I hate this type of lifestyle... not having a constant income and never knowing how much money we will have any given month. It's so much easier to have a paycheck that comes every two weeks and know you get exactly what you worked for. But I am thankful for the chance to see God's provision and His grace in our lives... and we now have a great opportunity to see how God is going to provide! :)

The barang sale

This morning was the annual "Senior Barang Sale" up at the MK school. "Barang" is the Indonesian word for "stuff" ...or "junk." :) Once a year missionaries in the community donate their barang to the senior class or they can rent tables at the sale and everyone shows up... because even here, on the other side of the world, we Americans always feel the need to get more barang. :) The senior class is raising money for their trip to Bali in the spring. (Being an MK does have its advantages.)

This year's senior class is headed up by a very creative, crafty type lady who coaxed the seniors into making baked goods and homemade candles (that were beautiful - I dropped hints to Brant for Christmas!) and plant starts... blackberry bushes and aloe vera and herbs. They also sold pancakes and "Frappacinos" (in real Starbucks glasses, with real Starbucks straws that you had to give back and they rewashed them) :) Anyways, it was great fun and a great place to get new pirated movies and the little boys quickly discovered "barang sale" meant "new toys."

Caleb found a brand new play dough set... real play dough. He is at the stage where he LOVES play dough and the several cans we brought from the States have literally disappeared... crumbled, dried out... not sure where it all went, but he's been without play dough for several weeks now and we've been fighting the urge to break out the new set we have for his birthday that's in our stash of "presents from the States." Anyways, I was quite proud of him that out of piles and piles of junk he managed to find a brand new set of play dough. It was one of those small "mini" sets with just 3 little cans of dough, but at 20 cents, it was a steal - how could I refuse?

So Elijah decided he needed a new toy... that proved a bit more challenging. He wanted a cheap plastic dump truck... an action figure missing its legs and a small bag of plastic "toys" that included a Donald Duck figure and some mushed army men. He finally settled on a small jar of wooden counting blocks, which has proved (in the hour we've been home) to be great fun as he's making shapes and towers and roads... Brant was happy with it as it's "educational" :)

Brant's treasures included a ammo box (we don't have any ammo!) a small tabletop grill (I'm excited about that one) and a "camelback" water drinking backpack thing.

All in all it was a really fun morning and all of the boys have spent the past hour with their "treasures" and Caleb has already mixed all his play dough together to make brown. It's been a nice break from the mental stress of the week... my only concern at the moment is where to plant my new berry bushes.

Opportunities

We are teaching at the international school this semester while we wait for the Lord to open some door or give us some direction in where we should serve permanently. Enjoying teaching at the school and can see how the Lord is using it, but don't plan on doing it long term. If we had wanted to teach we would have stayed in the States and lived in a house with carpet. :)

So last week we got opportunity #1... the current guest house/supply buyers came over and offered us half their job... taking care of the guest house. (Both are full time jobs and the poor family is a tad swamped.) I would love to run the guest house and envision creating a nice B&B retreat for all the tribal missionaries to come and have a break. But it would pretty well seal that we are never going into a tribe and I really don't know that I want to live in town and destroy our livers taking anti-malarial meds the rest of our lives.

Last night we got opportunity #2... an email from a team with two families asking us to join their team. Before you jump up and down and say "this is it!!!" let me explain... Part of us is excited (yeah! a chance to serve in a tribe!) but the other part is dreading it... there would be lots of issues to work through - both families are very, very conservative (yes - more conservative than us!) as in no birth control, the ladies always wear long dresses, etc. They are really friendly to us and have never made any comments, but it is very obvious that I am the only one who wears shorts and tank tops (only in our house - always dress up to go out!) and lets my boys go without shirts. There are also some major personality differences... though they are very conservative, both families are very "grace-oriented" in their parenting... which translates into parent-speak that the kids run a tad wild.

Also, this tribe is a very, very difficult area... there were previously 3 families in this tribe who all left before learning the language to the point where they could present the Gospel. One of them the husband DIED, the other family left when their 5 year old developed a brain tumor and the third family quit... can you blame them? The two new families have been house-building the past 6 months and we have seen the set-backs and it's so obviously spiritual warfare - almost scary how strongly the demonic/Satanic opposition is in getting these people the Gospel. Also, this tribe is in the lowlands which means malaria is still an issue (I had envisioned moving into a nice cool mountainous area where there was no malaria!)

So I know you're thinking why would we ever even consider this tribe? We are here to serve... however the Lord wants to use us. There will be obstacles in any tribal area - but we know that and is there a people group where the cost is too high? Do these people not need to hear the Gospel any less than people in the mountains? And in working with teammates are there really people we cannot get along with when we are walking in the Spirit and focused on the same goal? We have long said we are here to serve how and where the Lord wants to use us. It drives us crazy when new missionaries come who are so set that they are going to do their dream ministry and refuse to open their eyes to all the needs around them. But do we knowingly walk into a such a difficult situation?

There are some pluses... both families each have a kid our boys ages plus extras so there will be lots of playmates and our kids have already been playing with them as they live on the same property as us. That's a huge praise (we've seen MKs who have lived in the tribe without other white kids and it's not a pretty sight) Also, we've seen both these families deal with some big set-backs in their whole house-building process and handle everything with such grace and really trusting the Lord... they have been a huge encouragement to us in that way. And, though our personalities are so different and sometimes they drive us crazy... that's actually good that we've got such unique gifts and abilities so that we can make a better "team"

Anyways, we are not planning on making a decision tomorrow... nor am I asking for your opinion (though you are more than welcome to give it!) Really, I am just asking that you would pray for us that we would really seek the Lord on this and know what HE wants us to do. We don't want to give into fears and concerns but we also don't want to act rashly because here's a tribal ministry staring us in the face! We want to do what the Lord wants us to do.

PS Ezra is doing a ton better.... whatever silver medicine goup the nurse gave us has worked wonders and most of his burns now look like little smooth pink marks. He does have one big spot on the very top of his head that is still open and thus potential for infection and scaring, and his scalp is flaking like CRAZY but other than that, we are praising the Lord he is almost as good as new. Only lasting effect is that he is now terrified of the bath and screams continually when we bathe him.

Ezra's photos

Friday morning we went and got Ezra's 6 month pictures taken. He's 8 months old, for those of you keeping track. :) (But mommy getting sick throws everything off a bit!) I had gotten Elijah's and Caleb's pictures taken when they were about 7 months old and wanted to have one of Ezra the same age. It was a bit of a riot at the "photo studio" as the photographer used a purple background with a teal chair... to go with Ezra's red hair and green plaid shirt. It took a lot of convincing to get them to use the plain white background... "Why? He's already white" is what they said. After some more convincing, they gave us the disk of photos and we can home and "fixed" them a bit (only cropping - no face touch-ups!) :) so the finished product is what you see above... quite impressive for a 3rd world country!

So, Friday night I was giving Ezra a bath in our kitchen sink. We do not have hot water out of the tap, so I had boiled water on the stove like I normally do. It was late and I was exhausted and I accidentally poured straight hot water on his head (usually mix a small amount with cold water to wash him with) The water was no longer boiling, but it was very, very hot and poor baby got very burned. It was a horrible couple hours of trying to get him cooled off and calmed down and the nurse came right away and ran all over town trying to get the right things to bandage him up and seal his burns so they wouldn't get infected. I felt SO GUILTY. We are thankful that he seems to be healing fine and not too bothered by everything. Yesterday morning I went to get him out of bed and he had all his bandages off his head and was sucking on them and looked up at me and smiled as if to say "Look at all these cool toys in my bed, Mom" Anyways, his burns look horrible but his eyes and nose and mouth were unaffected (he has burns all around his cheeks and jawbone and on his scalp.) The nurse said he should heal fine with no permanent scaring. I feel like a HORRIBLE mom. It did help a bit that the nurse said she once did the same thing to her 2 year old and he had worse burns than Ezra. I talked to my mom later and she said she did the same thing to my brother when he was a baby... so I don't feel as guilty. :( Here's a pic of Ezra from Saturday night... he's a trooper and still smiling!

Impact

So, even though I am exhausted from my adventures today, it is a quiet evening - Brant is at a Bible study, the boys are down, and I am enjoying my country music and pumpkin spice candle and a chance to put some thoughts down in writing that I've been mulling over the past week or so.

We normally go to Indonesian church, but last week decided to take a break and go to the international church (translated: AC and worship music in our own language). It was such a God-thing that we were there. The speaker was sick, so instead they showed a video of Phil Vischer giving his testimony. He's the guy who created Veggie Tales, and for those of you not up on Veggie Tale corporate history, several years ago VT was sued and they lost the suit, and Vischer lost everything - including control of the company.

Anyways, he shared what the Lord taught him through the whole process of the lawsuit and afterwards when his ministry was totally taken away from him. He quoted someone (didn't write it down, but I think it was CS Lewis) that "He who has anything plus God has nothing more than he who has God alone." and that God was THE most important thing... sounds basic but it works out like this...

The housewife in America who has the Lord and who does nothing more than watch her kids has nothing more than the missionary who has the Lord and a great ministry who reaches hundreds of people for Christ.

Ooohhhh, sounds convicting to me, the missionary, who can sometimes think too much of myself and my great commitment to ministry.

But the other aspect of this whole thought process, is that, at the moment, I do not really have "ministry" as we planned it in our minds. The plan was to go into a tribe - learn the language, translate, teach the Bible, plant a church, etc. etc. Right now, I am taking care of 3 little boys (I know, I know, ministry in itself) and teaching yearbook to a bunch of MKs. Not what I had in mind when I signed up for the whole missionary thing.

So, that leads to the rest. "The impact we desire to have for God does not come when we pursue that impact" ...it comes when we pursue the most important thing... God Himself. Pursuing God is more important than reaching tribes, translating Scripture or even taking care of little boys.

Vischer brought up the struggle he had after he lost VT... what to do next? I felt (and still feel) the same way when our plans to join the tribal work we were "supposed" to join fell apart. What are we supposed to be doing over here? Brant and I have gone around and around on this issue... we were sent here to do a job and all the doors have slammed shut in our faces and we're left teaching high schoolers and wondering what to do next.

So our thought process has led us to try to think up ministry plans for ourselves... "We could..." and fill in the blank a million different ways. But you never see people in Scripture trying to figure out what they are supposed to be doing to "serve the Lord." They just wait on the Lord... and pursue Him. Noah, for example, "walked in close fellowship with God" ...for 500 years before he got his great ministry opportunity.

And if you think about it, how can God use someone with great plans who isn't walking with Him? (Not saying great plans mean you're not walking with the Lord, but meaning someone who relies on his plans, not the Lord) We have to be in close enough fellowship with Him that we can hear Him when He can give us instructions so His work gets done in His way for His glory.

So Brant and I have been praying about it and have committed to walking with the Lord... learning to listen to His voice and spending more time with Him, so that when the next door opens we will hear Him and be able to follow His leading.

I can't figure out if this all makes sense or sounds really complicated or exceedingly simple. Sorry. Still in process. But we would appreciate prayer that we would really take this time to walk in close fellowship with the Lord and wait on Him and not worry about what comes next.

Adventures in grocery shopping

Today was crazy busy with meetings up at the school, taking Elijah to pre-school, going BACK to the grocery store... yesterday I went to the grocery store to "pick up a few things" Translated: I did not have a long list, and I did not take much money with me. We only use cash here - which we get from our mission bookkeeper. Identity theft is HORRIBLE here and credit card machines are unreliable - you can never tell if they don't work because 1) the power is out, 2) they really don't work, or 3) the cashier is storing your number for his future use. :) Anyways, we only use cash, which is normally fine...

But yesterday I went to the store and noticed they were running low on stock. We are dependent on boat shipments here for everything and they can be sporadic, so when I wandered down the diaper aisle and it was bare (think the snack aisle on Super Bowl Sunday) I grabbed the last huge pack of diapers in Caleb's size (not a single diaper available in Ezra's size). The same for toilet paper, raisins (a staple in our house!) and oatmeal... anyways, when I got up to the register, I quickly ran $50 over what I had in my wallet.

There was not a thing I could do. No credit card to whip out; no check to write. And, thanks to the wonders (or lack thereof) of modern technology here, the cashier could not just "take off" the extra items. She had to cancel the whole transaction (which was finished by that point), take all my groceries out of the cart, out of their bags, and re-ring everything, leaving half the stuff behind. I was so embarrassed. I learned my lesson... even if I am only going to the grocery store just for a pineapple, bring at least $100. :)

So today I went back and got all the "essentials" that I had left behind yesterday - which included most of our food for the week. I had gone home with the diapers and toilet paper yesterday and left our food at the store. Good thing, too, because they got a shipment last night and the diaper aisle was still empty this afternoon, even though the instant ramen noodle aisle was overflowing with little yellow packets of MSG. :)

So my blog next week will be about "What are we going to do when the diapers run out?"

The illusion of permanence

On a roll here - how many posts in one week? I'd say it's because I'm feeling better and have had all these thoughts bottled up in my head while I was laying around the last few weeks, but today I am feeling horrible. I have had a great week - the first in a long time where I have felt "normal" and even bordering on "good." But today I woke up and have not been able to use my legs again... really weak and wobbly like when I was really sick. Major bummer. Brant came home early from class to help with the boys after I almost dropped Ezra trying to get him down for a nap. We think I over-did it yesterday - first day in over a month where I did laundry and it's a major chore and I was exhausted. So if you're reading this before December, please be praying I'll be feeling better and this will just be a fluke and not the start of another relapse of the horrid chicken disease. :)

Other thing, Brant brought me Red Vine's yesterday! The student store at the high school sells American candy as a fundraiser for the seniors' trip to Bali (beat that, American students!) and they had Red Vines... it was the 12th anniversary of when we started dating... :)

The real reason I wanted to write was regarding something my neighbor said last week that I have been thinking about off and on. Her husband is in the tribe working on building their tribal house and she has been home for 2 weeks by herself with their 4 kids, including their newborn who has been sick. As she was discussing how hard it had been to make decisions about their baby without her husband, she said, "I just have to remember that this has not caught the Lord by surprise and that there is so much more to this than what we can see" She went on to talk about how Satan can use circumstances to discourage us (and in her case, hinder their moving into the tribe) and there are so many things (like the Lord's plans) that we cannot see.

The whole conversation got me thinking about the verses in 2 Corinthians 4 and 5 about how the things we can see are temporal but the things we cannot see are eternal. Now, I have always loved those verses, especially as a missionary without a nice home with carpet. :) I constantly remind myself those nice things in life are so temporal and that it's thing we can't see that are more important. But over the past few weeks (and after my conversation with my friend) I have realized that there are so many more things that we can "see" that are temporal... like our circumstances. I see disobedient kids or frustration in our ministry plans or discouragement over sickness... these circumstances in my life are what I see... and they are temporary. What I cannot see is how God is working these circumstances out for His purpose and for His glorification in my life - that is eternal.

This past week I was reading an essay from James Dobson and a quote caught my attention as he was talking about the brevity of life and how we respond to difficult circumstances... "It is the illusion of permanence that distorts our perception and shapes our selfish behavior" ...whether that illusion applies to my physical surroundings (lack of a decent washing machine, tons of mosquitos) or to my situations in life (kids, ministry, sickness) - so often I respond forgetting that it is all temporary and not only will quickly change (won't be sick forever!) but is also part of God's larger plan that I can't see. Would I really respond to disappointments and pain with frustration, anger, tears! if I remembered that what I can see is temporary?

Anyways, just writing out stuff I'm thinking about... which is the purpose of a blog, right? :)

Got my second prayer answered

A few weeks ago when I was unbelievably sick and feeling horrible, in a non-fevered moment (although you may think I was still ludicrous for saying it) I told the boys I would take them on a picnic. They had been cooped up in the house for days as I certainly wasn't going anywhere and really wanted to get out. Brant had a meeting at school, so we agreed that I would bring the boys up to meet him and let them play on the playground and we would all eat lunch together. Great plan except that by 10 that morning I was flat on my back, out of energy, totally exhausted and not going anywhere. I had already told the boys about the picnic and was trying to figure out what to do.

Our neighbor across the yard (we live on a complex of 3 houses owned by our mission for tribal missionaries waiting to move into their tribes) called as I laid on the couch bummed again that I was sick and couldn't do anything. She was planning a picnic for her kids later that morning and wanted to know if Elijah and Caleb wanted to go along. She already had the food ready - I wouldn't have to do a thing. I almost cried - the boys were so excited to get to go with their friends they told me we could go to have a picnic with dad "some other day." How gentle of God to take notice of 2 little boys and their sick mommy and provide a picnic for them when I couldn't.

Shortly after the picnic episode we realized Elijah was going to need a new pair of shoes. Quality of shoes and clothing here is horrible and while we were back in the States I stocked up on over a dozen pair of little boy tennis shoes and sandals in all sizes. So when Elijah's toe started showing through the hole in his tennis shoes, we went to our "extra clothing" box and pulled out all the tennis shoes to find a pair that fit. Trouble was, there weren't any. Somehow I had skipped from size 9 tennis shoes all the way to size 12 with none in between.

Not deterred, I decided to brave the local shoe stores and find some tennis shoes that would work. After HOURS of searching several stores, I had found one pair of bright orange and green velcro shoes that looked like they were made entirely of plastic and one pair of all black shoes that the kids here use as their uniform shoes for school. Both were $12. Now, of course $12 was not going to break the bank, but I am really big into finding bargains and shopping at outlet malls and the thought of spending $12 on plastic shoes that looked they might not make it past the parking lot was a bit hard to swallow. I had just moved Caleb into a pair of Land's End sandals that Elijah had worn for over a year. They still look brand new. I had paid $5 for them.

So, we ended up with no shoes. I decided that if the Lord could provide a picnic, he could provide a pair of tennis shoes. I looked online at all my favorite outlet sites (no Land's End shoes to be found) and even searched Target.com where the shoes listed for $12 actually looked like they might last at least a few months. But nothing turned up and so I've just waited and prayed.

Today the boys and I went on a walk down the street to another missionary's house. The lady's husband is a radio mechanic for a aviation mission in town and we've gotten to know each other as our kids are both in the pre-school together. It was not the best visit, as Caleb peed all over her floor. (Potty training is NOT going well.) But as we were leaving, she said "Hey, I have this pair of shoes my son has outgrown - could Elijah use some tennis shoes?" She handed me a pair of little navy and brown tennis shoes from the States - yes, they had been worn, but they were in great shape and really cute - and fit perfectly. So tonight I am praising the Lord who cares about all the details in our lives like tennis shoes for little boys.

Clarification

So, Brant read my latest post on raising the little boys and he commented "you don't pull any punches" which is his way of saying I might have been a little harsh... not trying to say AT ALL that moms in America with Cheerios and applesauce and nice carpeted floors have no problems or worries raising their kids... I read internet news and am so thankful for so many things I don't have to worry about here. And not trying to say at all that I don't like my little boys or that I don't thank the Lord daily for the privilege of raising them. Just being honest... it's hard to be a mom sometimes and just because I'm a missionary doesn't mean I'm on some "easy parenting track" with God. :)

And, truth be told, I always wanted to be a missionary - before I was married and a mom. So some days it's hard to be a mom and let Brant be the missionary. But I remember that this is a season and God has me here in this country with these boys... to serve Him however He sees fit... and despite how hard it can be at times to raise little boys... I will miss it.

Little boys

Funny how fast and slow kids grow up... and how they are in a constant state of flux. Honestly, we are tired and frustrated with how hard it is to raise 3 little kids at one time - someone is always crying, waking up at night, having a runny nose or a cranky day. Can drive us crazy! It's just a lot of work to keep them fed, bathed, happy (as in not hitting each other) and then trying to add any type of training/discipline/home-schooling to the mix and we often end each day wiped out and discouraged. But they are growing and changing so fast...

- Elijah, at almost 5, can now bathe himself (pretty much - have to make sure he uses the right amount of soap and not the whole bottle!) It is SO nice to be able to say "Elijah, go get a bath" and he does. Makes me dream of the day when bathing little boys doesn't take an hour of each evening.

- We are working on potty-training Caleb. It's been a horrible, messy, slow process. But the very fact that we're working on it means the end of diapers is in sight with him. So that will mean we will have more kids OUT of diapers than IN diapers. We calculated last night the savings from him alone will be enough to buy a plane ticket to Bali in a year. :)

- Ezra is eating real food... has also been a process. He's my only kid who has not easily taken to eating people food. It's kinda funny, really, as he's so incredibly fat, you would think all he likes to do is eat. But in reality he just likes his mommy. :) But as he begins to warm up to rice cereal and bananas I am seeing weaning around the corner. No more nursing my baby...

So we comfort ourselves by saying that in the next 5 years or so our lives should be a lot easier. It's funny, when we were in the States people always told us "Enjoy this time when the kids are small... it's goes so fast and then you miss it." Here people say "Don't worry; you will get through it and it will be over soon." I think the difference is not that missionaries are negative people who don't like little kids, but that life is so much harder over here and having little kids brings a lot of challenges.... medical issues (we are constantly treating one kid or the other for fungus, skin infections, parasites); cleanliness issues (DON'T EVEN THINK OF LETTING ONE DROP OF BATH WATER GET NEAR YOUR MOUTH OR YOU WILL GET SOME HORRIBLE PARASITE YOU COULD DIE FROM); and a whole host of other things... don't touch the dog that probably has rabies; don't crawl on the floor - even though I just mopped it - the ants and termites and spiders are thick; smile and eat whatever weird thing the national people just offered you or it will ruin our testimony; be quiet and entertained on 24+ hour plane rides; sit through a church service in a language you don't understand for 2 hours with no nursery or Sunday school class....

The other thing is PB&J is really expensive here... and Goldfish crackers, applesauce, and Cheerios are non-existent. How are you supposed to raise kids without Cheerios? :)

Last night I stumbled onto a blog of a mom of 4 little kids. She called it "Cherishing the little hands" and it was on how great and fun little kids are and how much she enjoyed her little kids. I bet she doesn't stay up at night and wonder if the anti-malaria medicine she gives her kids will destroy their livers or if it's better to give her kids skin cancer from bug spray or dengue fever from mosquito bites.

We love our little boys and the funny things they say and how they are so snugly and cute at this age. But I will be so thankful when we are past the eating dirt stage. Maybe it's just my Western prejudice, but I think American dirt is cleaner.

PS

Also really, really miss milk. We drink... or should I say "use" (don't drink it!) powdered milk... works great for making yogurt and is decent on cereal... but a nice cold glass of creamy milk...

And (thanks to Joy!) was also reminded that I would kill for some chips and salsa. Avocados are cheap and plentiful for guacamole, but no tortilla chips around - and yes, have tried making my own. :P Last year when Brant went to Jakarta he bought real tortilla chips for $8 a bag (it was a big bag) and a jar of Pace Picante Sauce and we ate chips and salsa for dinner one night... nothing else. But Jakarta's 3000 miles away, so can't exactly drop by to get groceries.

Missing America

Lately I've gotten lots of comments on how hard it must be to be sick here without the comforts of "home." ...I think what people mean by that is "Poor dear stuck in a 3rd world country with no medical care and lots of bugs and heat and dirt." In my opinion it's about the same being sick here as it is in America - it's crummy either place. Only real plus to being sick in America is take-out options are a lot more plentiful there and frozen food is easy for the poor husband trying to scrounge up some food for the fam .....that and if you get really sick you can always go to the hospital and see doctors who actually went to medical school. Details.

So, truth be told, moments where I am really discouraged and sick make me do miss America more and certain American things that would make my life easier and more enjoyable. Tonight those things are -

- lunch meat - would kill for a Subway or any kind of decent sandwhich

- cereal - our options here include corn flakes, homemade granola, and occasionally rice krispies... all get old (and soggy!) fast

- cottage cheese

- applesauce - hard to raise little kids without this staple

- carpet - would love to lie on the floor

- automatic washing machines and dryers - if I ever hear another American woman complain about doing laundry, I might scream... all you have to do is throw the stupid clothes in the machine and it does all the work!

- fresh berries

- Starbucks - might be really cliche to miss Starbucks, but I love how "American" it is and how as an American I feel comfortable getting a Frappacino and sitting in a big comfy chair and chatting with a friend. Just part of our culture that does not translate over here. I think I also miss it because I so often met friends for a cup of coffee and I miss my friends in America.

Most of the time I enjoy being over here. We have gotten over the initial culture shock moving to a new country phase and this is home... I have my house decorated and we have a decent pizza restaurant in town and have friends. We feel comfortable and can live in a different culture that is totally different than the one we were raised in and we feel this is where the Lord would have us serve Him. I don't constantly miss life in America or dream about living there. But when I get sick I do miss lying on carpet...

Sick

I have been sick the past couple weeks with an illness called chikungunya. You can Wikipedia it. I had never heard of it either, but it's a virus that is spread by mosquitos... similar to dengue fever, but no rash. Instead it attacks your joints and totally wipes you out of any semblance of energy to live, breathe, get out of bed.... After a week of intense pain (think labor - no exaggeration - I've gone through it 3 times with no epidurals) I'm now "better" but I have very little energy. They say it can take a couple MONTHS to feel "normal" again.

Trouble is Brant is now sick. I'll spare you the gory details, but he got an amoeba, which does a nasty number on your digestive track. So we're both kinda out of it and the poor little boys just kinda run and play around us as we lie around sick.

So, I'm killing time til it's late enough to go to bed at a respectable hour. :) Thought I'd add a couple pics from life of late.

Elijah is growing up so fast. He'll be 5 next month... when did he turn into a little boy with a personality of his own? He likes to "help" with Ezra....

Elijah in his "boat" listening to his iPod... yes, I know a bit extravagant for a 4 year old to have (it's one of the small cheap ones) ...but it has saved us a boatload in not having to haul his 50 million kids' CDs around the planet. :) Plus he sits for hours totally still and quiet listening to "his" music.

Caleb

Do I need to say more?

Caleb as "Jesus"

Caleb is our ham. Not sure where he gets it from because neither Brant nor I are real "life-of-the-party" type people. But at almost 3, he keeps us laughing... most of the day. Among his best one liners...

"I can't like it" (with a very scrunched up little face) regarding any food remotely spicy, green and vegetable looking, or new.

"I squishing. I squishing." Sitting on the couch reading books with Brant and Elijah.

"I Jesus" Wish a blanket wrapped around his head.

"I like move it. I like move it. I like move it." That's him singing along to Madagascar - complete with motions.

"Hallalu... hallalu... hallalu..." Many mornings we wake up to hear him "singing" in his bed.

Food and boys

Tonight at the dinner table I looked around and realized I was the only one wearing a shirt at the table. The heat today was unbearable, compounded by the fact the electricity was off all day and our generator won't run our AC. So at dinner, even little fat Ezra was sitting in his eating chair with no shirt on. I kinda felt out of place. :) (And as I was sweating, a tad bit jealous!)

So, we finally got Ezra to eat! Unlike the older two boys, Ezra has not really taken to eating solid food. We have tried bananas, rice cereal, you name it for the past two weeks, and it just comes right back out. The baby book says he lacks "oral motor skills." But apparently being in a cooler climate helped him - while we were at our regional conference in the mountains last week, he inhaled most of a sweet potato from a traditional feast the neighboring tribal people held for us. I was a tad nervous that the first food he actually ate could potentially give him some horrible parasite or hepatitis or something like that (not really, it was cooked) but he loved it and since has really enjoyed eating - pulling the spoon towards his mouth if we don't shovel it in fast enough.

Today I fed him some of this new fruit we brought back from the mountains - a type of passionfruit that looks like a blend of pomegranate (millions of little seeds with fruit around it) and snot (think the color and texture) Despite the appearance, it tastes really good and Ezra loved it. We'll see what the diaper looks like tomorrow...

The house dream

So, confession... I have always wanted a house. I think it's a common longing for most women - right up there with getting a husband and kids. Maybe not, and I'm just obsessed... or maybe it's an outgrowth of our wandering lifestyle...

Anyways, I have always wanted to have a house that is "mine" - that I can paint and decorate as I wish and plant flowers in the front yard just as I want to... we have played "house" at every place we have lived in since we've been married... this is our 6th house in almost 8 years of marriage - and we have painted each one and planted things in each one - and left every one after a year or so...

I think I also want a house because I hate our current house. It is wooden and horribly hard to keep clean and it's split level and I have fallen down the stairs at least 5 times... not used to stairs. :) Also, the boards are rough and I get splinters in my feet from walking around bare foot - and who doesn't want to be barefoot in their own house?!?

I pictured us buying a simple little house and renting it out, having a place to call "home" while we're on furlough and in 20-30 years when we're done here, having a place to retire in...

So, Brant and I started looking for a house a month or so ago... we shouldn't have - we should have done what all the "buying your first house" websites tell you to do - get the financial paperwork done first. We found a beautiful house and I fell in love - white stone (my dream) and an office for Brant (his dream) on a big lot in the country with a neighborhood pool and playground for the boys. We started jumping through the hoops of loan paperwork and fell flat pretty fast - right when we figured out we couldn't get a loan as "homeowners" and also be "overseas citizens" at the same time. ("Homeowners" get tax breaks and lower interest rates... so do "overseas citizens" -but you can't be both...)

I'm reading Proverbs this month and the other day read a very fitting verse... "Be wise enough to know when to quit" (Prov 23:4) We are quitting the house buying dream for the time being. Brant reminds me there will be other houses... I console myself with the fact that the white stone house didn't have a fire place - another dream of mine. But it comes down to an issue of trust, I think. I do trust that the Lord will provide for us - that we will never be homeless when we are old and gray because we didn't have the money to buy a house when we were young. But I also need to trust that His plans for my life are perfect - and if that involves never owning a home, then I need to be okay with that. I need to trust that He will provide contentment and peace with or without a house I can call "mine." When we were in the States, I was talking to a good friend who just finished building their first home and were now faced with the possibility of having to sell it. I expressed sadness at the thought of them having to leave their house of many years worth of planning and dreaming... and she replied "It's just a house... and it belongs to the Lord."

Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more...

So, I go through phases where I have a favorite song that kinda typifies my life and faith at the moment. My song of the moment is "Somewhere in the Middle" by Casting Crowns. Don't laugh, it came out several years ago, but we just got the CD... the non-existent Christian bookstores here and lack of radio definitely put a damper on our keeping up with the music industry.

I love the lines - "Just how close can I get, Lord, to 'I surrender' without losing all control? ...With eyes wide to the difference in the God we want and the God Who is... but will we trade our dreams for His?" ...I can say I am surrendered to Christ, and to a lot of people, it may appear that I am... hey, I'm living in a third world country for Jesus - doesn't that count for anything? But the Lord knows my heart and how I fight His plan because my plan for my life is so much better.

Take my current circumstances... Brant is stuck in a tribe who knows where it is and I am stuck here with 3 little boys who are on a downward cycle of getting fussier and more disobedient by the day... and who knows when or how he is going to get home... best case scenario - he'll be on a helicopter tomorrow morning and be on the plane back here tomorrow afternoon. Worse case scenario - the guys will decide to hike out of the tribe if the weather continues to be bad... it's a grueling 3-4 day hike that will make scaling Everest seem like a piece of cake. Does that put him back next week sometime? I will be in the crazy house by then....

So this morning when I got the call they would not make it out today, I cried some and starting praying and my prayer went a little like this "Lord, I need him to come out. Please clear the clouds - I know You've done it before and can do it again - so just clear the clouds and bring them home" To which the Lord replied... Yes, I can clear the clouds if I want to... maybe it's better that I don't... So it comes down to an issue of faith - do I really trust the Lord that His plan is better than mine and that leaving the guys in there at least one extra day is in His plan? I know that is true - but sometimes I think my plans are so much better...

One thing I have learned during this whole experience - other than the fact that it is possible for me to take care of the boys and stay by myself and survive in a 3rd world country - is a greater appreciation for Brant! He is such a stabilizing factor in our lives and it is so nice just to have someone to share life with... I really miss him a ton. The other thing I have realized is how crucial my role is in this family... by seeing his absence and how much the boys miss him and how things are harder as a single parent makes me realize that I actually contribute a lot and I can picture myself being gone and him trying to hold it together here. ...don't know if that makes sense or not. I guess I am realizing how well we work together and am so thankful for him.

So, to all you out there in the great big blog world, please be praying that the weather clears and that Brant makes it home tomorrow. And be praying for my attitude if he doesn't. :)

The fat baby... Ezra in his whale towel after bath time.

Caleb enjoying strawberry shortcake.

Dancing the blues away

So I'm using my time as a single mom to influence my boys' in ways their father would not approve. :)

Brant is gone into Nduga land for 5 days, with two other guys who are moving into the tribe in the coming months. They needed to pick house sites, measure out an airstrip and search for usable water sources, among other things. Brant went along, mostly for the experience, but also because there is a slim possibility we might join this team.

So the boys and I are on day 3 of him being gone. :P Do not like it at all. We're doing okay - and I'm having some triumphant moments - like getting us all out the door before 8:30 this morning (8:29!), so I could be at our weekly town team meeting (which starts at 8:30 - but I tried!) I had never driven all 3 boys by myself before and am happy to say we are all still alive.

I've been trying to keep us really busy and doing lots of fun things to keep our minds off missing Brant. Poor Caleb really misses Brant - any time we go anywhere - whether outside or to the meeting this morning or to the library (after the meeting), he spends the first several minutes running around "Daddy? Daddy here?" - looking for Brant.

For the most part it's been working, except that I really miss Brant. I didn't realize how much I just enjoy sharing the day with him - all the funny things the boys do, all the news we get via email, and all the random things I need to tell him (yard worker's dad died, hosting the town team meeting next week, etc) Today Elijah was giving Ezra a pre-bedtime hug and kiss and said "Mom, I like Ezra. Let's keep him forever." Will I remember to tell Brant that on Thursday when I see him again? (Probably yes, now that I've written it down, but you get the point....)

Anyways, tonight during blueberry pancakes and pineapple, we were listening to old techno music and started dancing all crazy in our chairs. It was really fun, spontaneous and incredible non-sense. So after dinner, we had a "dance party" which consisted of me spinning the little boys around and them crashing into each other. Brant hates to dance... though he does try for my sake. So I have determined that my boys are going to know how to dance and be confident in it.... so working on starting early while Dad's not around. :)

Success

Tonight was pill night... once a week we take 4-5 pills to prevent malaria. Everyone here has different methods for getting their kids to take these nasty tasting bits of good health. Most people spread peanut butter and chocolate on bread and crush the pills on top. But since we're not much into high doses of sugar right before bed time, we have opted to teach our 4 year old and 2 year old to swallow pills like the grown little men they are.

Our first pill night took 2 hours... the first hour was spent calculating everyone's weights in kilograms and figuring out how much medicine each of us needed... and figuring out how to cut the pills into thirds and fourths so the little boys got the right dosages. The second hour consisted of screaming and holding the boys down while we jammed pills down their throats - or should I say holding Elijah down... Caleb took his pills like a pro - he tends to be a medicine junkie. After that first traumatic night with Elijah we looked ahead to years of the same and cried. I was a notoriously horrible pill taker as a kid and couldn't swallow a pill to save my life until college. I remember many times where my mom shoved a pill down my throat, poured lots of water in and then shook her head in exasperation as I managed to keep the pill in my mouth....

Anyways, 3 months later, I cut all our pills and portioned them out without checking my cheat sheet for the first time tonight. (I did go back and recheck with the sheet after I was done!) The other major accomplishment of the night was Elijah took the pills in his little hand, put them in his mouth and swallowed them, two at a time, all by himself - his reward of little yogurt drink sitting in front of him. My mother would have been so proud. I was so proud. Another milestone passed.

Let them eat shortcake and feta cheese

Yesterday started as one of those "feeling sorry for myself" days. I continually struggle under the workload of this house - I could use a lot of adjectives before that noun... horrible, awful, horrible, awful, horrible... our house is wooden planks and plastic windows, and truthfully a lot nicer than the one we will have in the tribe because at least here the boards were sanded and plained before being nailed together, as Brant points out. But I hate living in a wooden house. You can see the ground through the cracks in the floor and the sky through the cracks in the walls. Hence, the dirt and dust comes in unabated. It is a continual battle with the broom against dust bunnies the size of Ezra and against the spiders and ants and lizards that think our floor cracks are their open door to our home.

Plus the electricity was off all day yesterday and the generator was out of gas, so by lunch I was hot and sticky and grouchy. So sitting at lunch, we listed all the things we were thankful about living here. My favorite was feta cheese... here on the edge of the world, in this back corner of a 3rd world country, you can buy feta cheese. Granted, not all the time and not at every grocery store, but occasionally you can find it - for less than what you have to pay in the States even. To me, feta cheese is the ultimate luxury item - it has no use or nutritional value other than making salads or burgers or whatever taste a little bit better. So, as we were enjoying our pasta salad with feta cheese, I thanked the Lord for such small luxury items as feta cheese.

Definitely put me in a better mood to remember my blessings, so I headed out to the (air-conditioned!) grocery store to try to procure some food for the week. Grocery shopping here is like a treasure hunt every week... you never know what will be available at the store. Surprise, this week they are out of flour! Hope you didn't need any... For months they have not had any butter, but this week the shelves were stocked with butter. No sugar though... I don't think they have had any since we have gotten here. Anyways, no matter what is on my list, it always take me an hour at the grocery store just to go up and down all the aisles and see what happens to be available this week. It is a good week if I come home with only 2 or 3 things that I could not find at the store; some weeks more than half my list is not available. (Yesterday it was raisins and cereal that were not stocked... we will be eating lots of eggs and homemade yogurt this week for breakfast!) But often times there are treasures to be found... once it was dried fruit from the States, one time I found my coveted feta cheese, and yesterday the treasure of all treasures... fresh strawberries!

Now granted, I had found fresh strawberries once before, about a month ago. The produce section had exactly four tiny cartons of them, and every one of them was moldy. Not exactly how I wanted to spend $4.50. But yesterday, there were actually several dozen little boxes of berries... all plump and bright red and smelling soooo good... and at the reduced price of $2.50 a box, I couldn't resist a couple boxes.

So last night, I made strawberry shortcake. I had left over cream from our ice cream making venture on the 4th and whipped up some biscuits and topped it with little red berries. It was fun to have dessert for no reason at all... the boys were so excited they were dancing all around. We played games together and ate dessert and let the boys stay up and were thankful for good times as a family... even on the edge of the world.

4th of July

Yesterday was really fun. We had a 4th of July party for all the people from our mission here in town. The highlight was the hamburgers. Beef is really expensive here and poor quality, so serving up 1/3 pound hamburgers was more meat than most people eat in a week. The boys had a good time - Elijah cried when the water balloons ran out, cried when the sparklers ran out and cried when we told him he couldn't have anymore homemade ice cream. Caleb cried when he tried to hold his sparkler from the wrong end.

It was a nice end to a long, hard week. I had kinda hit a wall in the whole culture acclimation process and was grouchy and hating every mosquito and lizard and spider that was taking over my house. We had taken over supply buying for a family on vacation, so Brant and I spent all week running all over town looking for the right brand, size and color of toothbrushes! Without Wal-Mart, shopping is a bit challenging here to say the least, much less trying to shop for someone else and hope you found the right type of canned green beans or bought enough shampoo.

Just playing with how to post photos...

Reason for a blog part II

So my other reason I really wanted a blog is that missionary life is hard. Not all the time and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade it for the world, but it's hard to compete with "Went to brunch with my friends" on your friend's Facebook page when your day consisted of dealing with power outages and guys running past your door with bows and arrows and coating kids with bug spray so they can play outside without fear of getting dengue fever. Hard to capture that in one line so it makes sense for the normal world.

So yesterday we went to Indonesian church for the first time. It was one of those things we looked forward to as much as slicing our kids' fingers to test them for malaria. But we figured as good missionaries, we should not spend our Sundays at the international church. We had heard of a friendly church a mile or so away, so piled our gang in the car and took off. We pulled up... the only car in the grassy field by the church... not a person to be seen anywhere, but the church doors were open, so we headed inside. Picture a big cement building, rows of wooden pews and 200 dark skinned bodies in brightly colored clothes.... and complete silence as the white people try to slip in unnoticed. Of course the service stops, the pastor at the front beckons for us to come and sit IN THE FRONT ROW and everyone chuckles silently as we push people over in the back row and Brant choses to sit on the women's side of the sanctuary so he can help me with the boys. The service lasts TWO MINUTES more and then everyone is dismissed... we got there just in time to hear the benediction.

Turns out the early youth service ran late and we had to wait around another hour until the regular service started. We tried to make small talk... tried being the operative word. We're not much for small talk in English, let alone Indonesian. Finally we filed back inside, again Brant sat on the wrong side of the church... am very thankful he didn't abandon me with the boys as all the other dads obviously did with their wives and kids...

The pastor asked the visiting pastor (Brant!) to open the service in prayer. I spent the whole prayer praying for Brant that he would get all his grammar right and not offend anyone in the first 5 minutes we were there.

People were very friendly. 50 women walked by and shook my hand. The first lady had several fingers missing and I thought poor woman is handicapped... turns out the church is a gathering of tribal people from the mountains and in this particular tribe (as in many here) the women cut off their fingers one digit at a time in order to signify grief over the death of a loved one. Most of the older women only had 3 fingers on each hand.

The lady in front of me picked lice out of her hair throughout the service. Amazing what you can still accomplish with only 3 fingers. Many of the older men had holes through their noses where pieces of bone or wood used to be. I guess they had picked up on the "It's not spiritual for Christian guys to have piercings" from American culture. Half of the service was in a tribal language - so much for a year and a half of Indonesian language lessons.

I was overwhelmed again with our own weaknesses and dependency on the Lord to accomplish anything worthwhile through us. How could I reach these people when they look outside at our car in the yard and think we're from another planet? Caleb ran around in the back with the tribal kids - he wore tennis shoes that, though $5 from the clearance rack at Target, cost more than half the people in that building make in a week. How were we to befriend these people, win their respect and be able to speak into their lives that are so starkly in contrast to ours?

The service lasted over 2 hours. It ended with several guys yelling at each other in their tribal language and then people walking up and handing them money. Still not sure what that was about.

We came home exhausted, dirty, sweaty and a bit frustrated at our own inadequacies. When I first started this whole missions thing, I thought it would be fun and exciting. I always questioned those people who said "We could never do this without the Lord" Of course I could live overseas and eat funny food without the Lord's help; countless diplomats and tourists do it everyday. But now I realize anything we accomplish while we are here will only be God's doing. We are, after all, the stupid white people who don't know which side of the church to sit on.

End of an era

So I decided Facebook wasn't for me. I would much rather write out all my feelings rather than try to come up with something witty that fits in one line and describes my life at any given moment. The realization occurred to me the other day when we were all sitting down at breakfast together and Brant asked Caleb "What does a pig say?" We frequently ask him this question as he loves animals and he thinks pigs say "go-de-go-de-go" - probably because one of his push-the-button-to-hear-the-animal-sound books has seen better days and that's what the pig sounds like. But on this particular morning, he replied "Aink-aink" - not quite accurate, but a reflection that my little boy is growing up. Try as we do, we can't get him to say "go-de-go-de-go" anymore... probably will never hear it again. That day I realized "I should be writing this stuff down" and hence, here I am typing away while my little boys sleep in an effort to immortalize the cute things a 2 year old says.

Makes me sad sometimes to see them grow up. Elijah used to knock on his door every morning and say "Knock, knock is anybody there?" and he would not open the door or come out of his room unless someone opened it for him. Was very convenient on weekends. :) But now he just opens his door and comes out himself.

Don't get me wrong, I am SO EXCITED I now have one kid potty-trained, 2 who can feed and dress themselves and all 3 who sleep through the night. I cannot wait for the day we can take a family vacation without having to plan around nap time and I am already counting the days until Ezra can eat at the table and sit up in a bathtub on his own. But my mommy heart still breaks each time a little milestone is reached and a little boy takes another step towards growing up.