The bad missionary

I did a very bad thing tonight while Brant was gone packing chicken and getting ready for next week's flight. I got onto our friends' blog... and read it.

Our friends are missionaries in Papua New Guinea - just on the other side of the island from us. They recently moved into their tribal work up in the mountains and chronicle their adventures in language learning and developing relationships with their tribal people on their blog....

Problem is, about 8 months ago, these same friends asked us to join their work.... move across the island, change countries, learn a whole new language, adjust to a different culture and then begin working with them as they moved into their tribe. We spent a couple agonizing months praying, crunching numbers, talking with leadership and discussing team dynamics via Skype with our friends in PNG. When all was said and done, Brant and I felt before the Lord that He was giving us the choice - "Do you want to go join this team or stay in Indonesia?"

Obviously, we decided to stay. Lots of tears, but we made our decision and with it, decided we would not look back. We since have become the supply buyers and given up our chance to go into a tribal work for the foreseeable future. Most days we're okay with that and content with where the Lord has us... until I do something stupid like read our friends' blog on what our life could be like...

And then the doubts come again and my mind begins reeling with "What ifs" and "If onlys"

I have been doing this amazing, life changing, perspective altering Bible study (that I HIGHLY recommend, can you tell?) Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow. The basic premise states that contentment comes from an acceptance of God's sovereignty and acknowledging that His ways are better than mine and that He is in control of EVERYTHING. Where I struggle is in accepting God's sovereignty over my decisions - like the choice not to move to PNG. He gave us that choice.... so I have a had time seeing His hand in that. Much easier to trust Him with things I have no control over - like our robbery our first year here - obviously that is God working, because I'm not... does that make sense?

Tonight I was listening to a Steven Curtis Chapman song... almost all of the spiritual struggles in my life have been captured by one or another of his songs... and the song he wrote after his daughter died hits home tonight...

This is not how it should be,

This is not how it could be,

But this is how it is,

And our God is in control.

This is not how it will be,

When we finally will see,

We'll see with our own eyes,

He was always in control.

This is not where we planned to be,

When we started this journey,

But this is where we are,

And our God is in control.

Though this first taste is bitter,

There will be sweetness forever,

When we finally taste and see,

That our God is in control.

Basically I need to come to the place where I trust that God was working - even in circumstances that seem like I had some part in shaping... ultimately I have trust that God made that decision and that this is where He wants us to be....

my trust is so weak...

is that a bad thing for a missionary to say?