Hurt

This morning at the international church I had a friend say something that really hurt my feelings. I had asked if we could get her son and Elijah together to play and she said no because she didn't want to have to deal with Elijah if he threw a fit. I was crushed partly because I know Elijah loves playing with her son, and partly because implied in the statement is that I'm a crummy mom and can't raise my kid right so that he can interact with other kids his own age.

Elijah does throw fits - we're not quite sure if he has a temper or just a really pronounced sense of right and wrong - we're leaning towards the second theory - if something in his little world is "wrong" he just screams and cries like the world is coming to an end. And yes, we realize he can't go through life like that, but at five, he's still learning to put his feelings into words and crying and screaming is the easiest default. We're working with him a ton, but it's going to be one of those long life lessons he's going to have to work through....

But where is the grace between friends that they acknowledge your (or your kids') weaknesses and accept you where you are? Last summer (a year ago!) her kids and Elijah were playing together and Elijah threw a horrible fit... she still references it... and on days like today I can't help but wonder if he will graduate from high school as "the kid who throws horrible fits" in her eyes.

My reaction today - other than crying all afternoon - is to just close up and shut her out and say "well, I guess we're not really friends" ...but is that the right reaction? First of all, we work together in the same mission - so we see each other a lot and have to work together. My other reactions range from saying "well, yeah, but your kid destroys everything in sight and every time he comes over to our house something gets broken - so ha, he's not perfect either!" to writing mean text messages saying "jerk" and other hurtful things that good missionaries are not supposed to say. :)

Probably what my friend meant to say is that Elijah is still a little too young and immature to handle play dates by himself - he still needs to have me around. Even though her son is the same age, he's the youngest of 4 and is used to playing with older kids; Elijah is the oldest and is used to having younger kids around.... I understand that.

Now granted, she didn't say that, and she probably didn't realize that her thoughtless comment would put me in tears all afternoon.

I am stopped with the thought that perhaps I have sent friends home in tears over some off-handed comment that I made at one point or another... comments that perhaps had a bit of truth behind them, but maybe didn't come across as I thought they would... or comments that I meant as innocent and yet were heard through a mother's heart that can be sensitive when we she struggles daily to raise her kids in a way that pleases the Lord.... I wonder how many people I have hurt like that unintentionally?

So I think my response to this whole situation is not to write off our friendship or yell at Elijah for always throwing fits, but to turn this hurt over to the Lord and to pray for my friend that she would learn grace... and that I would not be discouraged when Elijah throws his next fit, but patiently, prayerfully love him and point him to Jesus.

Hard job, being a mom. I can look around at other families and say "wow, those kids are great - that mom is doing a great job" and feel crummy about my own efforts.... but I could find other families and say "at least I'm doing a better job than she is" ....it's easy to do. So I think the main thing I want to get from all this is that I want to be very careful with my words and attitudes around other moms.... I pray that I would be an encouragement to them and build them up, trusting they are doing the best they can with the children (and their unique personalities!) that God gave them.

As I was leaving church today, another friend stopped me and said "Wow, your kids do so great being quiet in church - I wish mine were like that." Took a bit of the hurt away... but just a bit.