Impact

So, even though I am exhausted from my adventures today, it is a quiet evening - Brant is at a Bible study, the boys are down, and I am enjoying my country music and pumpkin spice candle and a chance to put some thoughts down in writing that I've been mulling over the past week or so.

We normally go to Indonesian church, but last week decided to take a break and go to the international church (translated: AC and worship music in our own language). It was such a God-thing that we were there. The speaker was sick, so instead they showed a video of Phil Vischer giving his testimony. He's the guy who created Veggie Tales, and for those of you not up on Veggie Tale corporate history, several years ago VT was sued and they lost the suit, and Vischer lost everything - including control of the company.

Anyways, he shared what the Lord taught him through the whole process of the lawsuit and afterwards when his ministry was totally taken away from him. He quoted someone (didn't write it down, but I think it was CS Lewis) that "He who has anything plus God has nothing more than he who has God alone." and that God was THE most important thing... sounds basic but it works out like this...

The housewife in America who has the Lord and who does nothing more than watch her kids has nothing more than the missionary who has the Lord and a great ministry who reaches hundreds of people for Christ.

Ooohhhh, sounds convicting to me, the missionary, who can sometimes think too much of myself and my great commitment to ministry.

But the other aspect of this whole thought process, is that, at the moment, I do not really have "ministry" as we planned it in our minds. The plan was to go into a tribe - learn the language, translate, teach the Bible, plant a church, etc. etc. Right now, I am taking care of 3 little boys (I know, I know, ministry in itself) and teaching yearbook to a bunch of MKs. Not what I had in mind when I signed up for the whole missionary thing.

So, that leads to the rest. "The impact we desire to have for God does not come when we pursue that impact" ...it comes when we pursue the most important thing... God Himself. Pursuing God is more important than reaching tribes, translating Scripture or even taking care of little boys.

Vischer brought up the struggle he had after he lost VT... what to do next? I felt (and still feel) the same way when our plans to join the tribal work we were "supposed" to join fell apart. What are we supposed to be doing over here? Brant and I have gone around and around on this issue... we were sent here to do a job and all the doors have slammed shut in our faces and we're left teaching high schoolers and wondering what to do next.

So our thought process has led us to try to think up ministry plans for ourselves... "We could..." and fill in the blank a million different ways. But you never see people in Scripture trying to figure out what they are supposed to be doing to "serve the Lord." They just wait on the Lord... and pursue Him. Noah, for example, "walked in close fellowship with God" ...for 500 years before he got his great ministry opportunity.

And if you think about it, how can God use someone with great plans who isn't walking with Him? (Not saying great plans mean you're not walking with the Lord, but meaning someone who relies on his plans, not the Lord) We have to be in close enough fellowship with Him that we can hear Him when He can give us instructions so His work gets done in His way for His glory.

So Brant and I have been praying about it and have committed to walking with the Lord... learning to listen to His voice and spending more time with Him, so that when the next door opens we will hear Him and be able to follow His leading.

I can't figure out if this all makes sense or sounds really complicated or exceedingly simple. Sorry. Still in process. But we would appreciate prayer that we would really take this time to walk in close fellowship with the Lord and wait on Him and not worry about what comes next.

Adventures in grocery shopping

Today was crazy busy with meetings up at the school, taking Elijah to pre-school, going BACK to the grocery store... yesterday I went to the grocery store to "pick up a few things" Translated: I did not have a long list, and I did not take much money with me. We only use cash here - which we get from our mission bookkeeper. Identity theft is HORRIBLE here and credit card machines are unreliable - you can never tell if they don't work because 1) the power is out, 2) they really don't work, or 3) the cashier is storing your number for his future use. :) Anyways, we only use cash, which is normally fine...

But yesterday I went to the store and noticed they were running low on stock. We are dependent on boat shipments here for everything and they can be sporadic, so when I wandered down the diaper aisle and it was bare (think the snack aisle on Super Bowl Sunday) I grabbed the last huge pack of diapers in Caleb's size (not a single diaper available in Ezra's size). The same for toilet paper, raisins (a staple in our house!) and oatmeal... anyways, when I got up to the register, I quickly ran $50 over what I had in my wallet.

There was not a thing I could do. No credit card to whip out; no check to write. And, thanks to the wonders (or lack thereof) of modern technology here, the cashier could not just "take off" the extra items. She had to cancel the whole transaction (which was finished by that point), take all my groceries out of the cart, out of their bags, and re-ring everything, leaving half the stuff behind. I was so embarrassed. I learned my lesson... even if I am only going to the grocery store just for a pineapple, bring at least $100. :)

So today I went back and got all the "essentials" that I had left behind yesterday - which included most of our food for the week. I had gone home with the diapers and toilet paper yesterday and left our food at the store. Good thing, too, because they got a shipment last night and the diaper aisle was still empty this afternoon, even though the instant ramen noodle aisle was overflowing with little yellow packets of MSG. :)

So my blog next week will be about "What are we going to do when the diapers run out?"

The illusion of permanence

On a roll here - how many posts in one week? I'd say it's because I'm feeling better and have had all these thoughts bottled up in my head while I was laying around the last few weeks, but today I am feeling horrible. I have had a great week - the first in a long time where I have felt "normal" and even bordering on "good." But today I woke up and have not been able to use my legs again... really weak and wobbly like when I was really sick. Major bummer. Brant came home early from class to help with the boys after I almost dropped Ezra trying to get him down for a nap. We think I over-did it yesterday - first day in over a month where I did laundry and it's a major chore and I was exhausted. So if you're reading this before December, please be praying I'll be feeling better and this will just be a fluke and not the start of another relapse of the horrid chicken disease. :)

Other thing, Brant brought me Red Vine's yesterday! The student store at the high school sells American candy as a fundraiser for the seniors' trip to Bali (beat that, American students!) and they had Red Vines... it was the 12th anniversary of when we started dating... :)

The real reason I wanted to write was regarding something my neighbor said last week that I have been thinking about off and on. Her husband is in the tribe working on building their tribal house and she has been home for 2 weeks by herself with their 4 kids, including their newborn who has been sick. As she was discussing how hard it had been to make decisions about their baby without her husband, she said, "I just have to remember that this has not caught the Lord by surprise and that there is so much more to this than what we can see" She went on to talk about how Satan can use circumstances to discourage us (and in her case, hinder their moving into the tribe) and there are so many things (like the Lord's plans) that we cannot see.

The whole conversation got me thinking about the verses in 2 Corinthians 4 and 5 about how the things we can see are temporal but the things we cannot see are eternal. Now, I have always loved those verses, especially as a missionary without a nice home with carpet. :) I constantly remind myself those nice things in life are so temporal and that it's thing we can't see that are more important. But over the past few weeks (and after my conversation with my friend) I have realized that there are so many more things that we can "see" that are temporal... like our circumstances. I see disobedient kids or frustration in our ministry plans or discouragement over sickness... these circumstances in my life are what I see... and they are temporary. What I cannot see is how God is working these circumstances out for His purpose and for His glorification in my life - that is eternal.

This past week I was reading an essay from James Dobson and a quote caught my attention as he was talking about the brevity of life and how we respond to difficult circumstances... "It is the illusion of permanence that distorts our perception and shapes our selfish behavior" ...whether that illusion applies to my physical surroundings (lack of a decent washing machine, tons of mosquitos) or to my situations in life (kids, ministry, sickness) - so often I respond forgetting that it is all temporary and not only will quickly change (won't be sick forever!) but is also part of God's larger plan that I can't see. Would I really respond to disappointments and pain with frustration, anger, tears! if I remembered that what I can see is temporary?

Anyways, just writing out stuff I'm thinking about... which is the purpose of a blog, right? :)

Got my second prayer answered

A few weeks ago when I was unbelievably sick and feeling horrible, in a non-fevered moment (although you may think I was still ludicrous for saying it) I told the boys I would take them on a picnic. They had been cooped up in the house for days as I certainly wasn't going anywhere and really wanted to get out. Brant had a meeting at school, so we agreed that I would bring the boys up to meet him and let them play on the playground and we would all eat lunch together. Great plan except that by 10 that morning I was flat on my back, out of energy, totally exhausted and not going anywhere. I had already told the boys about the picnic and was trying to figure out what to do.

Our neighbor across the yard (we live on a complex of 3 houses owned by our mission for tribal missionaries waiting to move into their tribes) called as I laid on the couch bummed again that I was sick and couldn't do anything. She was planning a picnic for her kids later that morning and wanted to know if Elijah and Caleb wanted to go along. She already had the food ready - I wouldn't have to do a thing. I almost cried - the boys were so excited to get to go with their friends they told me we could go to have a picnic with dad "some other day." How gentle of God to take notice of 2 little boys and their sick mommy and provide a picnic for them when I couldn't.

Shortly after the picnic episode we realized Elijah was going to need a new pair of shoes. Quality of shoes and clothing here is horrible and while we were back in the States I stocked up on over a dozen pair of little boy tennis shoes and sandals in all sizes. So when Elijah's toe started showing through the hole in his tennis shoes, we went to our "extra clothing" box and pulled out all the tennis shoes to find a pair that fit. Trouble was, there weren't any. Somehow I had skipped from size 9 tennis shoes all the way to size 12 with none in between.

Not deterred, I decided to brave the local shoe stores and find some tennis shoes that would work. After HOURS of searching several stores, I had found one pair of bright orange and green velcro shoes that looked like they were made entirely of plastic and one pair of all black shoes that the kids here use as their uniform shoes for school. Both were $12. Now, of course $12 was not going to break the bank, but I am really big into finding bargains and shopping at outlet malls and the thought of spending $12 on plastic shoes that looked they might not make it past the parking lot was a bit hard to swallow. I had just moved Caleb into a pair of Land's End sandals that Elijah had worn for over a year. They still look brand new. I had paid $5 for them.

So, we ended up with no shoes. I decided that if the Lord could provide a picnic, he could provide a pair of tennis shoes. I looked online at all my favorite outlet sites (no Land's End shoes to be found) and even searched Target.com where the shoes listed for $12 actually looked like they might last at least a few months. But nothing turned up and so I've just waited and prayed.

Today the boys and I went on a walk down the street to another missionary's house. The lady's husband is a radio mechanic for a aviation mission in town and we've gotten to know each other as our kids are both in the pre-school together. It was not the best visit, as Caleb peed all over her floor. (Potty training is NOT going well.) But as we were leaving, she said "Hey, I have this pair of shoes my son has outgrown - could Elijah use some tennis shoes?" She handed me a pair of little navy and brown tennis shoes from the States - yes, they had been worn, but they were in great shape and really cute - and fit perfectly. So tonight I am praising the Lord who cares about all the details in our lives like tennis shoes for little boys.

Clarification

So, Brant read my latest post on raising the little boys and he commented "you don't pull any punches" which is his way of saying I might have been a little harsh... not trying to say AT ALL that moms in America with Cheerios and applesauce and nice carpeted floors have no problems or worries raising their kids... I read internet news and am so thankful for so many things I don't have to worry about here. And not trying to say at all that I don't like my little boys or that I don't thank the Lord daily for the privilege of raising them. Just being honest... it's hard to be a mom sometimes and just because I'm a missionary doesn't mean I'm on some "easy parenting track" with God. :)

And, truth be told, I always wanted to be a missionary - before I was married and a mom. So some days it's hard to be a mom and let Brant be the missionary. But I remember that this is a season and God has me here in this country with these boys... to serve Him however He sees fit... and despite how hard it can be at times to raise little boys... I will miss it.

Little boys

Funny how fast and slow kids grow up... and how they are in a constant state of flux. Honestly, we are tired and frustrated with how hard it is to raise 3 little kids at one time - someone is always crying, waking up at night, having a runny nose or a cranky day. Can drive us crazy! It's just a lot of work to keep them fed, bathed, happy (as in not hitting each other) and then trying to add any type of training/discipline/home-schooling to the mix and we often end each day wiped out and discouraged. But they are growing and changing so fast...

- Elijah, at almost 5, can now bathe himself (pretty much - have to make sure he uses the right amount of soap and not the whole bottle!) It is SO nice to be able to say "Elijah, go get a bath" and he does. Makes me dream of the day when bathing little boys doesn't take an hour of each evening.

- We are working on potty-training Caleb. It's been a horrible, messy, slow process. But the very fact that we're working on it means the end of diapers is in sight with him. So that will mean we will have more kids OUT of diapers than IN diapers. We calculated last night the savings from him alone will be enough to buy a plane ticket to Bali in a year. :)

- Ezra is eating real food... has also been a process. He's my only kid who has not easily taken to eating people food. It's kinda funny, really, as he's so incredibly fat, you would think all he likes to do is eat. But in reality he just likes his mommy. :) But as he begins to warm up to rice cereal and bananas I am seeing weaning around the corner. No more nursing my baby...

So we comfort ourselves by saying that in the next 5 years or so our lives should be a lot easier. It's funny, when we were in the States people always told us "Enjoy this time when the kids are small... it's goes so fast and then you miss it." Here people say "Don't worry; you will get through it and it will be over soon." I think the difference is not that missionaries are negative people who don't like little kids, but that life is so much harder over here and having little kids brings a lot of challenges.... medical issues (we are constantly treating one kid or the other for fungus, skin infections, parasites); cleanliness issues (DON'T EVEN THINK OF LETTING ONE DROP OF BATH WATER GET NEAR YOUR MOUTH OR YOU WILL GET SOME HORRIBLE PARASITE YOU COULD DIE FROM); and a whole host of other things... don't touch the dog that probably has rabies; don't crawl on the floor - even though I just mopped it - the ants and termites and spiders are thick; smile and eat whatever weird thing the national people just offered you or it will ruin our testimony; be quiet and entertained on 24+ hour plane rides; sit through a church service in a language you don't understand for 2 hours with no nursery or Sunday school class....

The other thing is PB&J is really expensive here... and Goldfish crackers, applesauce, and Cheerios are non-existent. How are you supposed to raise kids without Cheerios? :)

Last night I stumbled onto a blog of a mom of 4 little kids. She called it "Cherishing the little hands" and it was on how great and fun little kids are and how much she enjoyed her little kids. I bet she doesn't stay up at night and wonder if the anti-malaria medicine she gives her kids will destroy their livers or if it's better to give her kids skin cancer from bug spray or dengue fever from mosquito bites.

We love our little boys and the funny things they say and how they are so snugly and cute at this age. But I will be so thankful when we are past the eating dirt stage. Maybe it's just my Western prejudice, but I think American dirt is cleaner.

PS

Also really, really miss milk. We drink... or should I say "use" (don't drink it!) powdered milk... works great for making yogurt and is decent on cereal... but a nice cold glass of creamy milk...

And (thanks to Joy!) was also reminded that I would kill for some chips and salsa. Avocados are cheap and plentiful for guacamole, but no tortilla chips around - and yes, have tried making my own. :P Last year when Brant went to Jakarta he bought real tortilla chips for $8 a bag (it was a big bag) and a jar of Pace Picante Sauce and we ate chips and salsa for dinner one night... nothing else. But Jakarta's 3000 miles away, so can't exactly drop by to get groceries.

Missing America

Lately I've gotten lots of comments on how hard it must be to be sick here without the comforts of "home." ...I think what people mean by that is "Poor dear stuck in a 3rd world country with no medical care and lots of bugs and heat and dirt." In my opinion it's about the same being sick here as it is in America - it's crummy either place. Only real plus to being sick in America is take-out options are a lot more plentiful there and frozen food is easy for the poor husband trying to scrounge up some food for the fam .....that and if you get really sick you can always go to the hospital and see doctors who actually went to medical school. Details.

So, truth be told, moments where I am really discouraged and sick make me do miss America more and certain American things that would make my life easier and more enjoyable. Tonight those things are -

- lunch meat - would kill for a Subway or any kind of decent sandwhich

- cereal - our options here include corn flakes, homemade granola, and occasionally rice krispies... all get old (and soggy!) fast

- cottage cheese

- applesauce - hard to raise little kids without this staple

- carpet - would love to lie on the floor

- automatic washing machines and dryers - if I ever hear another American woman complain about doing laundry, I might scream... all you have to do is throw the stupid clothes in the machine and it does all the work!

- fresh berries

- Starbucks - might be really cliche to miss Starbucks, but I love how "American" it is and how as an American I feel comfortable getting a Frappacino and sitting in a big comfy chair and chatting with a friend. Just part of our culture that does not translate over here. I think I also miss it because I so often met friends for a cup of coffee and I miss my friends in America.

Most of the time I enjoy being over here. We have gotten over the initial culture shock moving to a new country phase and this is home... I have my house decorated and we have a decent pizza restaurant in town and have friends. We feel comfortable and can live in a different culture that is totally different than the one we were raised in and we feel this is where the Lord would have us serve Him. I don't constantly miss life in America or dream about living there. But when I get sick I do miss lying on carpet...