Speaking to Elijah

The other day I was trying to be a good home school mom and got out a paint set for the boys to do - one of those sets of plastic "window catchers" with the little jars of paints that are all attached to each other. Pretty sure they've been around 50 million years. I had them when I was little.

AND when I was little, I quickly learned that those little paint pots are hard to open and close. So, as the boys were finishing up, I went outside to do laundry and yelled behind me as I left: "Don't try to close the paints, Elijah! Just leave them on the counter."

Switch the laundry. Curse the stupid washing machine that is ten years old and hanging onto life by a thread.

Hear screams....

Guess who tried to close the paints himself?

Elijah, my hard-headed child, covered in orange paint in my kitchen.

I yelled and scolded and all the good mom stuff... he was wearing brand new shorts with orange all over them. The table was covered in orange drops (that, while I was trying to rescue the shorts, dried and permanently stained the wood) The tile was streaked with orange - which thankfully came right off. He cried and was sufficiently upset and repentant.

Later, after a bath and we had all calmed down and tried again to clean the table, Elijah and I sat and talked. The conversation covered topics such as obeying and listening and not being so hard-headed. :) I brought up my own experiences trying to close the paints when I was little and spilling paint all over myself....

But then I said,

"Elijah, I am older than you and I know a lot more than you do. You are still learning. When I tell you to do something and you don't understand it, you still have to obey and you have to trust that I know why I am telling you to do something."

And at that very moment, it was as if the Lord said to me,

"Emily, I am older than you and I know a lot more than you do. You are still learning. When I tell you to do something that you don't understand, you still have to obey Me and you have to trust that I know why I am telling you to do something."

I know it may seem like I am a pro on obeying the Lord just because I live in the land of millions of mosquitoes and no Starbucks. But the truth is that when the Lord says "Love her even though she's difficult" or "Forgive him even when he offends you repeatedly" or "Serve them even when you are tired...." Wow, hard things to obey and so often I choose to ignore Him and do things my own way... often with disastrous results. Very thankful the Lord is more gracious and patient with me than I am with my own little paint-spillers!

24 hours

The past 24 hours have been a blur...

• This time last night our landlord’s wife came to our house and asked Brant to help take her sick husband to the hospital in the next biggest town, 30 minutes away. Despite the fact that we were in the middle of dinner and 2 of the boys are sick, we were excited to have an oppotunity to build relationships with them and help them out. Brant jumped up, showered, changed, got the car cleaned out, and grabbed coffee for what we thought would be a long night and went to knock on their door... only to find out the house all locked up and dark... they had decided to call a taxi.

• We were furious - how dare they change plans without even bothering to tell us? Until we realized that perhaps Brant had taken too long in getting ready.... and in their Asian mind-set, a person would never come out and say “no” to a request for help.... he just would find a “polite” way to get out of it.... so basically Brant had turned them down when they asked for a help... in a very “polite” yet insulting way.

• Sleepless night... what had started as an opportunity to build relationships has turned very bad fast.

• This morning - I am exhausted and trying to get the boys breakfast when we hear screaming bloody murder outside. Run outside... our neighbor (different neighbor - 2 houses away) was outside sweeping her porch and fell over dead. Screaming, wailing, horribleness for hours by her family. Funeral preparations begin right away.

• Our landlord and his wife spent the whole day avoiding all contact with us... Brant came home from shopping this morning and they got up off their front porch, went inside and closed the door and windows without so much as glancing at him. Later the wife came out, saw us, turned around and went right back in.

• We spend the day with 2 sick, fussy boys, trying to figure out what to do with our landlord and his family and what to do for our neighbors... the daughter of the lady who died is a good friend of mine and teaches the boys’ Bible class here in the neighborhood.

• Tried to get Elijah’s room set up to homeschool. Went and taught my class at the school and tried to wade through piles of dishes and laundry when all I really wanted to do is sleep.

• Made a new Indonesian dish for dinner tonight - soto ayam, or a type of “layered” chicken soup made with lemongrass. It’s my favorite dish, but have never been brave enough to make it. Wasn’t the day to try a new recipe, but had already planned to make it today, didn’t have anything else on hand. It turned out SO good. Will make it for you next time we’re back in the States! :) Nice bright spot in the day. :)

• Got the kids in bed by 6:30. Praising the Lord they went to sleep right away. Praising the Lord that the funeral got postponed til tomorrow. Praising the Lord that our landlord did come out this evening and talk to Brant and Brant got to explain his side of the story and apologize for whatever cultural cues we obviously missed. Who knows if things are actually patched over?

• Taking tylenol and going to bed. Praying that the thunder that’s rolling in will not turn into a huge storm and wake the boys. Gotta love missionary life sometimes. :)

Jesus was a tukang kayu

This afternoon the boys and I went to the weekly kid's Bible class in our neighborhood. The teacher, a young mom who lives up the hill from us, varies widely each week in her doctrine and some days I'm very thankful that the boys don't pick up much from the lessons! But today I was really challenged by what she said...

She was talking about the Great Commission and how we all should play a part in sharing the Gospel. She said "Jesus didn't go to university or have a lot of money... he was a tukang kayu.... a wood worker... And the people he gave that commandment to weren't rich or smart or well-educated or have powerful positions or jobs.... they were orang biasa... ordinary people."

I looked around the room at the crowd of little brown and black faces with no shoes on... they were definitely ordinary kids from ordinary homes. Their parents are not rich and are not well educated. Not a single one has running water in his home and many don't even have electricity. They don't get enough to eat and take their baths in the river every day; many have never even travelled to the "big city" half an hour from us.... ordinary people in this society.

Our neighbor is a wood worker... he works barefooted out in the sun all day with rudimentary tools - he makes a living, but would never be considered rich. His job doesn't command respect from the powerful people in this society - the government leaders and the church leaders - rich from corruption and disdainful of the ordinary people.

It struck me that Christ was born into the same life... He probably didn't get enough nutritious food to eat. He didn't live in the nice house in the neighborhood. His parents probably worried about money or what would happen if one of their children should get sick... Christ worked a trade that would provide enough food to survive, but would never lead to a life of ease and comfort. It was not a glamorous job and certainly not the type of job that would be a natural stair step into the position of religious leader of all time....

But how amazing that Christ was Who He was.... and that centuries later little ordinary Asian kids could look to Christ and know that He was accessible to them... that He didn't just come to the rich and powerful and that you don't have to be rich and powerful to be a servant of Christ. It almost made me cry praising the Lord for His wisdom in choosing such a life style that would resonate so deeply with so many ordinary people.

I put a lot of faith in my college and missions training... years and years of schooling, so that I will be a good missionary. :) But Christ calls these ordinary children to do the same job that I am doing and equips them through the Holy Spirit to be effective servants... with or without a college degree, new shoes and running water... He Himself didn't have those things either.

A few of my favorite things

I have been accused of being a negative person. As my dad would say, "I'm not pessimistic, just realistic." (I always hated when he said that.) Maybe this blog is a bit on the "realistic" side; but I use it to work through all my thoughts and issues and areas where the Lord is working on me... Life here is not easy and there are lots of "issues and areas of growth" that come out in the process of living here. :) But I have been thinking about it lately and know that I need to choose to focus on those things that are "true, honorable, right, pure and lovely..."

So, in honor of trying to not always be so negative, here's a list of my favorite things about life as a missionary in a malaria-ridden 3rd world country on the edge of the earth, 1500 miles from the nearest Starbucks. :)

- Papaya! I never knew such a great fruit existed; if we ever returned to the US permanently, I think we would all starve to death... my boys (particularly Ezra) live on the stuff. In addition to papaya, fresh pineapple - we have tons growing in our front yard; 50 million types of bananas; fresh spices and coffee, fresh fish, coconut.... you name it, there are definitely some great culinary advantages to living on the equator. :)

- Beaches... we do not publish many pictures of the beaches here.... I think our support would drop drastically if we did. :) There are the beautiful, empty, tropical beaches that people in the States pay thousands upon thousands of dollars to go vacation at... beautiful clear water; snorkeling like on "Finding Nemo"... starfish so brightly colored they look fake.... Of course, I won't talk about the lack of bathrooms and the horrible roads to get to them (don't want you to get too jealous, plus am just being positive!)

- Great spas and restaurants... this one is a little harder here - on our previous island, there were restaurants and spas that literally looked like they came out of some palace on "Anna and the King" We could go get a facial, full body massage, hair treatment, etc - for less than $10 at a place that looked like it should charge $250 an hour in the States. Restaurants served grilled salmon or feta and basil stuffed chicken for $5. Here, we don't have as many nice places like that... but it's nice to know that they still exist in country if we ever need a vacation. :)

- All the new skills I've learned... being fluent in another language, driving a motorcycle, lighting a cigarette lighter, washing laundry by hand, making tons of food from scratch and cooking "ethnic food" :) ...things I would have never learned in the States.

- Great family time... Brant's schedule is so much more flexible here than if he had a 9-5 type job in the States; and it's definitely been a benefit for our family. If one of them needs a little extra dad time, he can go along to the airport or storeroom or hardware store or one of the myriad of places Brant goes in a day to shop. If I'm sick or loosing it with the kids, Brant can usually come right home and take over... sometimes I forget how great it is for our family that he is around so much.

- Being able to live here... I will confess that as we got ready to come over here the first time, (3 years ago today!!!) I was scared to death with this thought "Am I really going to be able to live in another country as a missionary?" I didn't know if I would be able to handle it... and yet here I am! :) There is a huge sense of accomplishment knowing that I can survive - and even thrive - here. Not taking credit though - God has given so much grace through a lot of really hard spots, and we have so many people praying for us and encouraging us - couldn't be here on my own, that's for sure.

- Seeing God's grace in so many real ways in my life... This is by far my favorite thing about the type of lifestyle we live... we have seen God work and provide for us and give grace in ways we never had before. Moving into another culture strips all your comforts and familiar routines - even going to the grocery store requires a lot of prayer some days! :) God has taken us through so much these past 3+ years and though we have had a lot of really rough spots, the lessons I've learned and the ways I have seen God work have been worth every tear. We have seen God provide financially, work circumstances out in ways we'd never imagine, give strength in really tough spots... just amazing stuff; and it has been very refining in the process. :)

Disappointed

We got a crummy email last night... from the MK school Elijah is enrolled in for kindergarten here in town. Due to a shortage of staff and visa issues, they are going to cut kinder from a half day program to just 3 hours a day. And due to financial issues, they are going to have to RAISE prices, despite the shortened program. MK schools in 3rd world countries don't have to follow logical courses of action like cutting prices if you cut a program....

Today I went in and talked with the principal. To make matters worse, the class is going to be an afternoon kinder... classes going from 12-3 pm. Elijah still has rest time every day... he still needs rest time every day. And, to compensate for the shortened program, they are cutting out all the "specials" - no classes like music, art, Indonesian, computer, library, etc etc.

I was so disappointed. One of the main reasons we were putting Elijah into school was the "extra" activities like computer and art... he would have loved those classes. I'm not as concerned about the academics - it's a very laid back academic atmosphere - they learn their ABCs and some basic reading, all of which Elijah has mastered already. So do I want to pay more to send my kid to a class where he'll "learn" his ABCs but not have any "fun" classes?

The other little issue is I am again teaching a class at the high school - from 11-12 each day. Now that we've moved a bit out of town, that would involve multiple, long trips to the school each day, which would involve carting the little kids around when they're supposed to be napping or serious re-arranging of Brant's already full schedule.

So today just praying for wisdom. Elijah was so excited about going to school. Brant's mom had already put together a package of fun school supplies and "treats" to take as snacks. We had ordered a "cool" backpack online and she was going to mail it to us... I wanted him to have a school experience... he will be so disappointed if he doesn't get to go.

What do we do?

Hurt

This morning at the international church I had a friend say something that really hurt my feelings. I had asked if we could get her son and Elijah together to play and she said no because she didn't want to have to deal with Elijah if he threw a fit. I was crushed partly because I know Elijah loves playing with her son, and partly because implied in the statement is that I'm a crummy mom and can't raise my kid right so that he can interact with other kids his own age.

Elijah does throw fits - we're not quite sure if he has a temper or just a really pronounced sense of right and wrong - we're leaning towards the second theory - if something in his little world is "wrong" he just screams and cries like the world is coming to an end. And yes, we realize he can't go through life like that, but at five, he's still learning to put his feelings into words and crying and screaming is the easiest default. We're working with him a ton, but it's going to be one of those long life lessons he's going to have to work through....

But where is the grace between friends that they acknowledge your (or your kids') weaknesses and accept you where you are? Last summer (a year ago!) her kids and Elijah were playing together and Elijah threw a horrible fit... she still references it... and on days like today I can't help but wonder if he will graduate from high school as "the kid who throws horrible fits" in her eyes.

My reaction today - other than crying all afternoon - is to just close up and shut her out and say "well, I guess we're not really friends" ...but is that the right reaction? First of all, we work together in the same mission - so we see each other a lot and have to work together. My other reactions range from saying "well, yeah, but your kid destroys everything in sight and every time he comes over to our house something gets broken - so ha, he's not perfect either!" to writing mean text messages saying "jerk" and other hurtful things that good missionaries are not supposed to say. :)

Probably what my friend meant to say is that Elijah is still a little too young and immature to handle play dates by himself - he still needs to have me around. Even though her son is the same age, he's the youngest of 4 and is used to playing with older kids; Elijah is the oldest and is used to having younger kids around.... I understand that.

Now granted, she didn't say that, and she probably didn't realize that her thoughtless comment would put me in tears all afternoon.

I am stopped with the thought that perhaps I have sent friends home in tears over some off-handed comment that I made at one point or another... comments that perhaps had a bit of truth behind them, but maybe didn't come across as I thought they would... or comments that I meant as innocent and yet were heard through a mother's heart that can be sensitive when we she struggles daily to raise her kids in a way that pleases the Lord.... I wonder how many people I have hurt like that unintentionally?

So I think my response to this whole situation is not to write off our friendship or yell at Elijah for always throwing fits, but to turn this hurt over to the Lord and to pray for my friend that she would learn grace... and that I would not be discouraged when Elijah throws his next fit, but patiently, prayerfully love him and point him to Jesus.

Hard job, being a mom. I can look around at other families and say "wow, those kids are great - that mom is doing a great job" and feel crummy about my own efforts.... but I could find other families and say "at least I'm doing a better job than she is" ....it's easy to do. So I think the main thing I want to get from all this is that I want to be very careful with my words and attitudes around other moms.... I pray that I would be an encouragement to them and build them up, trusting they are doing the best they can with the children (and their unique personalities!) that God gave them.

As I was leaving church today, another friend stopped me and said "Wow, your kids do so great being quiet in church - I wish mine were like that." Took a bit of the hurt away... but just a bit.

PS

In my other ramblings in my mind as of late, I have decided that I need to focus on the positives and ENJOY where God has us... I know it probably comes across in this blog that I am a really negative, struggling person but it's mainly because I use this blog to work out my thoughts and rants. :) But, in deciding to enjoy life and count my blessings (including the 3 little ones running around my house!) I have started a new blog.

3nakallittleboys.blogspot.com

This is a "safe" blog... meaning anyone can see it - so I don't care if you pass on the address to whomever; I keep it real, but positive. :) Also, while I use the boys' names, I try to be really careful not to mention anything real important - like our location or last name, etc. So please don't list the address in some public place with "These are our friends the Blythes in Indonesia" written next to it. :)

And I don't have the blogs linked... and I don't think there's any way to get from one to the other.... let me know if you see some loophole I've missed. Not wanting every grandmother and in-law to think I'm crazy reading this blog! :)

The bad missionary

I did a very bad thing tonight while Brant was gone packing chicken and getting ready for next week's flight. I got onto our friends' blog... and read it.

Our friends are missionaries in Papua New Guinea - just on the other side of the island from us. They recently moved into their tribal work up in the mountains and chronicle their adventures in language learning and developing relationships with their tribal people on their blog....

Problem is, about 8 months ago, these same friends asked us to join their work.... move across the island, change countries, learn a whole new language, adjust to a different culture and then begin working with them as they moved into their tribe. We spent a couple agonizing months praying, crunching numbers, talking with leadership and discussing team dynamics via Skype with our friends in PNG. When all was said and done, Brant and I felt before the Lord that He was giving us the choice - "Do you want to go join this team or stay in Indonesia?"

Obviously, we decided to stay. Lots of tears, but we made our decision and with it, decided we would not look back. We since have become the supply buyers and given up our chance to go into a tribal work for the foreseeable future. Most days we're okay with that and content with where the Lord has us... until I do something stupid like read our friends' blog on what our life could be like...

And then the doubts come again and my mind begins reeling with "What ifs" and "If onlys"

I have been doing this amazing, life changing, perspective altering Bible study (that I HIGHLY recommend, can you tell?) Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow. The basic premise states that contentment comes from an acceptance of God's sovereignty and acknowledging that His ways are better than mine and that He is in control of EVERYTHING. Where I struggle is in accepting God's sovereignty over my decisions - like the choice not to move to PNG. He gave us that choice.... so I have a had time seeing His hand in that. Much easier to trust Him with things I have no control over - like our robbery our first year here - obviously that is God working, because I'm not... does that make sense?

Tonight I was listening to a Steven Curtis Chapman song... almost all of the spiritual struggles in my life have been captured by one or another of his songs... and the song he wrote after his daughter died hits home tonight...

This is not how it should be,

This is not how it could be,

But this is how it is,

And our God is in control.

This is not how it will be,

When we finally will see,

We'll see with our own eyes,

He was always in control.

This is not where we planned to be,

When we started this journey,

But this is where we are,

And our God is in control.

Though this first taste is bitter,

There will be sweetness forever,

When we finally taste and see,

That our God is in control.

Basically I need to come to the place where I trust that God was working - even in circumstances that seem like I had some part in shaping... ultimately I have trust that God made that decision and that this is where He wants us to be....

my trust is so weak...

is that a bad thing for a missionary to say?

House dreams

A long while back I shared how I had always dreamed of owning a house... not sure if it's because we move so much and are so "rootless" in this job or if it's just cause I'm an American through and through or because I'm a girl and like to "nest" or because I've always wanted to be a financial planner and owning a home is a great financial move (or so they say....)

Regardless, have always wanted a house.... but you don't become a missionary for the paycheck. :)

BUT the Lord has given us a house! We own it (well, technically the bank does still) but we get to make mortgage payments on it for the next 30 years. :) Several years ago Brant's grandmother, who he was very close to, passed away and left us a chunk of money - which we didn't get until this spring. It didn't take us real long to figure out what to do with the money - with the stock market crazy and with interest rates on home loans so low and home prices low, it seemed like the best option to buy a house... so we did!

I can't say it was the easiest process buying from overseas, and I don't necessarily recommend it; it definitely helps to have a brother who's a mortgage broker and a father who's a home inspector and a sister who has practiced real estate law... got all the bases covered. :) We closed two weeks ago on a little house in Bastrop, Texas... you can google it for all you non-Texans. :) Small town outside of Austin - about an hour from my parents - which is a good distance :) and we have a great supporting church there that we really like, so figure it would be a good place to call "home" when we're on furloughs. Might kill me to wait two years to actually get to see our house in person though.... :)

In other housing news, we have moved to a new house here in town. I LOVE it. Our other house was horrible - plastic windows, wooden floors (not nice hardwood floors - thin planks that gave you splinters and you could see the ground between the cracks in the wood) and thin wooden walls that gave you no privacy or any type of insulation for the heat.... should I go on about how much I hated that house? :) The main horrible thing about the house, especially for us as missionaries, was that it was very isolated - we lived on a missions base, surrounded by other mission bases, with no national neighbors - I could go a week or more without talking to an Indonesian other than at the grocery store.... not exactly what we had planned for our life as missionaries. :)

So our new house is stone with tile floors - which is definitely scarier in earthquakes (Haiti would be mild compared to here if we ever had a big one hit) but it's so much cooler - all our windows have screens and glass, so we can open them and actually get a breeze. It's light and clean looking and a great set-up for our family.

The best part about the house is that it's right smack dab in the middle of a "kampung" ...not sure how to translate that word - it's basically a village, but in a town, so it's not technically a village - but definitely too rustic for the term "neighborhood." There are a bunch of houses around a dirt square, dogs and chickens and naked kids running everywhere.... the river runs right by our house, and none of the houses in our kampung (except ours!) have running water - people just get their water from the river..... very much a village feel going on here. :) So we get to have a village ministry right along with our supply buying ministry.... huge blessing from the Lord. The boys and I go to a neighborhood "Bible" class every week led by one of the ladies in the kampung. Not exactly all there doctrinally but it's a good starting point and today the lady invited me over after the class to talk and hang out. The boys are playing with the myriads of little kids running around and Ezra loves going outside to see all the animals everywhere and I have all my pictures hung and kitchen set up, so feeling very much at home.

Our new house doesn't have AC, so I'm sitting here all hot and sweaty and going to sign off so I can go get a cold shower (to compensate for no AC, we also don't have hot water - but who wants to take a hot shower on a hot day!) Very thankful for the Lord plopping us here for the year and very thankful that I can dream of my own house in Texas - that does have both AC and hot water! :)

Jeremiah 17:5-8

My life is very much defined by two roles I play - that of missionary living in a 3rd world country and that of mommy to 3 very small boys. Lots of constraints with both of those -constant power outages, fear of horrible diseases, more spiders than I ever care to see; teething, runny noses that prevent play dates, and schedules revolving around nap time and 7 pm bedtime...

But lately I've been thinking a lot about who I am - not just the roles I play - and more importantly, who I want to become... and expert spider killer is not it. :) I came across Jeremiah 17:5-8 the other day - not sure what pointed me to that passage - maybe it was referenced in a book? Anyways, I won't write it out here, as people who write long passages of Scripture out in blogs drive me crazy. :) Look it up.

The picture Jeremiah paints is of two trees - one - stunted, shriveled in a desert - the man who trusts in human strength and turns away from the Lord. The other, a tree tall, strong, with deep roots - the man whose trust is in the Lord - not worrying about long months of drought, still bearing fruit. I want to become that second tree - a beautiful, strong woman who has deep roots of trust in the Lord and doesn't get worried about the crazy circumstances of life (and you have your share of craziness when you're both a missionary and a mommy to little boys!)

But my faith is stunted when I look at the crazy circumstances around me and try to work out solutions on my own - failing to trust in the Lord but trusting my own failed, drunken logic.

- We found out Wednesday that the car we have been borrowing for the last 5 months is being sold - this weekend! If we can come up $5000 we can keep it... IF being the operative word. Have spent a lot of time worrying about this one. We have a good 10 supply orders plus a cross-town move this month - definitely will be needing a car.

- I'm worrying about putting Elijah in kindergarten this fall... because he already is reading. They learn the ABC's in kindergarten... will he bored? Will it be a waste of money? Will he turn out to be a more creative, inquisitive, stronger charactered kid if I home school him or will he just be a weird home schooled kid? Will people think ill of me - I teach at the school but won't put my own kid in it? Will I have more ministry options with him at school - one less kid to take care of for a few hours each morning?

- I'm worried about our house payments - what if we don't get a renter and can't pay the mortgage? What if we use all our savings and then a huge disaster comes and we don't have any savings left? ...We don't even own a house yet and I'm still worried about this!!! (But, we are under contract for a great little house in Texas... another story for another time.)

- Caleb has gotten a nasty cold this week... not a huge deal, except that with it he's started showing symptoms of the amoeba he was dealing with a month ago... meaning that it was not totally taken care of with the medicine and has come back with his immune system down. Do we give him more powerful medicine that has really bad side effects?

I could go on and on... thoughts that fill my mind, keep me up at night, stunting my faith and turning my more into a shrub than a beautiful oak tree (passage doesn't say oak tree, but that's what I picture in my mind.) :)

I found this other verse the other day - Psalm 119:55 "I reflect at night on who you are, O Lord; therefore I obey your instructions." ...so to obey the Lord - to turn my worries over to him and trust Him, I shouldn't try harder or make a list of my worries or alleviate my fears with little "What's the worst thing that could happen?" exercises... I need to meditate on Christ. In studying His life, character, words, my mind will become more like His - my fears will rest on Him and my faith - and roots - will be deepened.

Spinning...

We have been in Papua one year (and 3 days, to be exact). I divide the past year in my mind - first 4 months - adjusting and having our prior plans to go interior totally smashed to pieces and lots of "What know???" second 4 months - SICKNESS where I could barely walk. :( and this last 4 months - finally being settled and into our grove and good ministry...

So now that we're settled, it's time for things to fall apart again.... which they did yesterday afternoon. Really things have been in the works for a couple months... we love our job as supply buyers, but we have started to feel that we are starving ministry-wise... we live on a base our mission has for an orientation center - next to another mission's base and a whole bunch of other missionaries. We have NO Indonesian neighbors at all; I teach at the international school; we go to the international church (translated - American church for missionaries) - a habit we started while I was sick and one we haven't broken yet. Anyways... now that life has settled down some and we're in the routine with supply buying we're realizing we have no ministry to Indonesian people!

So our main ministry focus right now is assisting the tribal missionaries, and we're glad to do it, but we have been praying the past few weeks that we would have a ministry with the Indonesian people here in town. Last week our pastor from San Diego came to visit us and we spent a great deal of the week talking about our ministry and our need to get involved in peoples' lives here. We found an Indonesian church that we have started trying to get involved in and we've started to realize it might be good for us to move off our little white compound. :) Over the weekend we talked with a senior missionary here and were discussing our thoughts about the whole thing and he said "You should find a house in the Swan's neighborhood (another missionary family) They have a great location for really getting involved with the people." My thought on the matter - that's nice for them... I don't want to move into a neighborhood with another missionary family already living there and I really don't want the stress of moving...

So yesterday at our weekly town team meeting, someone let the cat out of the bag that another family is going to be moving into OUR house... next month. They were going to tell us officially today and it just kinda slipped at the meeting. Talk about a shock... the thought of finding a new house, having to buy furniture, packing everything after we are finally settled.... I don't want to even go into all my emotions...

EXCEPT that yesterday we got a post on the missionary community website from the Swan family (who lived in a great neighborhood) "We are moving to Java for a year... does anyone want to rent our house, fully furnished, starting next month?" Our heads still spinning from the news we would have to move, we called the Swans, thinking of course this is God's great plan for our life... only to find out that two other families had already called wanting to rent their house. We spent the evening a bit bewildered and wondering what to do... we are still planning on moving interior and do not want to buy a bunch of furniture (our house here is furnished by the mission as part of the orientation center) and pay a bunch of money for a house contract (similar to a lease). If we were going to just go out and find a house, we'd have to buy not just furniture but a refrigerator, washing machine, and probably pay to "Westernize" the bathroom (put in a toliet!) With our support a lot lower now than it was a year ago, we don't have that kind of money (not that we would have had it a year ago either!) :)

So lots of praying and trying to rest in God's sovereignty last night and fight the urge to call the Swans and beg them to let us have their house. :)

And this morning, the Swans called... would we like the house? The other families backed out.

I almost cried.

We immediately drove over to their house and I almost cried again... it was perfect. They have a beautiful, but moderate-sized, very Indonesian styled home - all things we were wanting, but it has a really nice modern kitchen and TWO bathrooms with toliets and even a couple rooms with AC. :) It is smack dab in the middle of a small Indonesian neighborhood right outside of town - we share a yard with an Indonesian family and all their dogs and chickens and a huge beautiful exotic bird that look like it should be in a San Diego Zoo exhibit. It's not on a main road, very quiet, with lots of people out in their yards, kids running around everywhere.

The house is much nicer than our house now - it's stone with tile floors (we're living in a wood plank house now) and they have two small little boys so the rooms are very little boy friendly. And everything is in the house - we wouldn't need to buy a thing!

And... the Indonesian church we had started going to a couple weeks ago is right across the street - how good is God to even work out that detail? (We can now walk to the church; before it was very obvious that we were the only family in the church who came to church in a car.) Several people in the neighborhood go to the same church and one of the Indonesian ladies from the church has a kids' Bible club in our neighborhood every week!

So this afternoon as the boys are napping and Brant and I have the chance to sit and process everything that has happened in the past few hours and that will be happening in the next month, we are so, so thankful for God's grace and provision. So thankful for a God Who knows our needs and is giving us this opportunity.

We are a bit nervous... we will go from living on a nice, comfortable white people's compound to living in the middle of an Indonesian community... that will be stretching for us and our boys and it will be hard to move all our stuff and more adjustments. But we are in awe of God's plan for our life and excited to see where He is leading.

Being refined

This picture has nothing to do with my ramblings; I just like it and thought I'd add it to lighten the mood. :) This is Ezra last month eating black beans for the first time - he loved them. Beans are a huge treat here - a regular can of black beans costs about $3.50 when they happen to have them in the store, so it's not one of those cheap meals like in the States.

One of the hard things about being here is that on hard days when all 3 of your kids are throwing up all over the place and you are exhausted because they had been throwing up all night long is that you cannot just call and order a pizza and have it delivered... well, actually you can (yeah!) but, as there are no standards at all in food safety here it's always a bit of a risk - will the take-out you order make you violently ill??? Usually it's worth the risk, but when your kids are throwing up already...

So you can be praying for us. :) I am thankful I had a "meal in a box" that a very sweet, thoughtful mom sent from the States for nights such as this one!

One of the great things about life here is that it is hard... I have learned SO much about trusting the Lord and walking with Him since coming here. I know, I know, missionaries are supposed to be super spiritual people to begin with; but in reality, I was just a normal person before becoming a missionary and have really gotten my worldview and my understanding of Who God is and how He works rocked since moving over here.

Our first year here we experienced some really, really hard things - being diagnosed with a heart condition, miscarrying, having our home broken into and losing thousands of dollars and all our important paperwork... but I really saw God's grace and gentleness in ways I had never seen before and at the end of that year I could honestly say I was thankful for everything we had experienced, despite the pain, because it was worth all I had learned about God's character and grace to get me through hard things.

So this past year I have had hard times in totally different ways... we have had major conflicts with other missionaries and with leadership and been hurt by some really ugly things said by fellow "oh so spiritual" missionaries. I am not into personnel conflict and hate having people not like me, and it's been a humbling, hurtful time. But these past few weeks I've been doing a great Bible study on contentment, and one of the sections is on relationships with other believers and trusting the Lord with those relationships... including the hurt that is often caused. Do I trust that the Lord has orchestrated this pain and this hurt for my benefit and for His glory? Do I trust that this pain and humility He has planned for my life is in His master plan? It's hard to think of God planning something like that... and unlike the previous hard times, it's hard for me to be thankful for this time.

But as I have been praying about it and reading my Bible I'm realizing that as I learn to forgive them - and as I learn to draw on God's grace for the strength to forgive - I am learning how much I have been forgiven. Referring to the passage in Matthew 18 where the king forgave a debtor millions of dollars only to have that man go out and demand payment from another man who owed him $2000... I am the one who has been forgiven a huge, unrepayable debt... those who have offended me owe the $2000. I have made lists of every hurtful, painful thing said and done to me this past year... and as I read the list the Lord brings to mind my own list of sins... "You did that once... you said... your attitude was arrogant, prideful, hurtful, etc, etc, etc" I am humbled as I remember my own sin and how much God has forgiven me and how patient He is to put up with all my trash again and again and again.

I am definitely not there yet... but in learning what it means to really forgive and really love others I am learning how much I have been forgiven and how much I am loved unconditionally. And those lessons will be far more valuable than any pain I have experienced...

I just wish there was an easier way to learn some of these lessons! :)

A day in the life of a supply buyer

Brant is out the door by seven o'clock to get a head start on the day's shopping. We have 7 things left on the list for this order - 15 pipe joints, a stainless steel pipe for a satellite internet system, 4 loaves of bread, 4 kg of chicken, 12 green bell peppers, 5 kg of yellow onions and 25 kg of potatoes. The flight is tomorrow, but it all has to be done by this afternoon so we can weigh it in at the hanger for the flight. Brant visits the hardware store first on his motorcycle. He is able to get the pipe joints. The stainless steel pipe comes from another hardware store on the other side of town. He heads over there, but they don't have any - it will have to be ordered from another store out of town and is promised to be delivered early the next morning. He runs by the bakery, but they only have 2 loaves of bread - come back in the evening and they will have made more, they say. He calls a co-worker in town to ask for help getting the chicken - it has to be purchased at a grocery store 45 minutes away - none that is available in town is safe to eat. The grocery store here in town just got a shipment of bell peppers but the green ones look like they've had worms the size of small children nibbling on them. He gets 6 red and 6 yellow instead and decides that's close enough. While he is out, Emily calls - an email has come in from the family in the tribe saying they also need 4 meters of PVC pipe - could we possibly buy it in time for the flight as well? So Brant heads back to the hardware store. By eleven in the morning he is back at home, takes over watching the boys so Emily can head to the open air market to get the rest of the produce. Buying the produce involves actually finding the item - but then it has to be fresh, at a decent price, and from a seller who is honest and will not try to take advantage of me because I am white skinned! Most of the stalls are small and just have a few items - it takes several visits to different vendors to find yellow onions - most here are purple and small. One vendor has 3 kg of onions; another has lots, but they are all soft and mushy. The same goes for the potatoes. I have to carry everything by hand - the paths are muddy and uneven and there are no carts. Because I can't carry that much produce, I make several trips to the car. It is hot, smelly and roaches cover most of the produce. By one o'clock I have the potatoes and onions and rush home so that Brant can get the things packed into boxes and to the airport before two. I clean up, check email again, take another order for next week and then begin work on dinner. Brant makes it home by 3 or 4 o'clock and enters receipts and does book-keeping on the day's purchases. He runs and picks up the remaining loaves of bread after dinner, then receives a call that the airplane taking the supplies into the tribe has had a "surprise" inspection by the government and will not be allowed to fly... can he come get the items from the hanger so they don't go bad in the heat and humidity? It's a good thing the flight is delayed a few days. The stainless steel pipe never showed up as promised and it took several more trips to the hardware store to locate it. :)

Buying garlic and eating crow

Several years ago I read a fascinating book about a woman in Florida with a PhD who decided to do a social experiment and give up her high paying PhD job (whatever it was) and get a minimum wage job for a year and see what life was like for so many Americans. I remember her account of her first day on the job as a waitress at a diner... she had thought people would say "Wow, you're obviously over-skilled and way too smart for this job" but instead was humbled to learn that even low-paying jobs require a lot of skills, which she did not possess.

So, I haven't given up any high-paying, highly skilled occupation, but Brant and I have taken on a new job - being supply buyers. Today our first order was due at the airport to go into a tribal location early tomorrow morning. AH! We have spent the last few days running crazy trying to get all the items on the list, packed them all up and dropped them off at the airport right after lunch. Then we spent all afternoon running all over town trying to correct mistakes we had made and caught this afternoon.

My responsibility in the whole endeavor is to do "Pasar shopping." The Pasar is the open marketplace here - think a Farmer's Market then add in mazes of unfamiliar fruits and veggies, drunk guys hanging around, produce lined up on tarps on the ground, and spit and trash and stagnant water covering any un-tarped spot. Not my favorite place to go, despite the great bargains and exotic fresh spices and fruits. The first time I ever went to the Pasar here in Papua, a kid threw up on my feet.

On my list today was buying 15 pounds of onions, 10 pounds of garlic and 12 pounds of potatoes. You don't have to be good at math to know that I cannot physically carry all that. It took multiple trips to the car to haul all the veggies once I had found them. Finding them was also a challenge - not only did I have to locate the veggie on the list - I had to find a seller who was honest, had good quality produce and had sufficient stock of whatever I needed. It took hours and I was covered in dirt and grime by the time I was done.

So I was sitting relaxing this afternoon, congratulating myself on a job well done, when I noticed that instead of 5 pounds of oranges, I had accidentally written "garlic" on my list and walked out with 5 extra pounds of garlic - no oranges. So Brant, gracious husband that he is, went back to the Pasar and bought the forgotten oranges, took them down to the airport hanger and switched them out.

And this evening as we are exhausted and still not quite sure we did get the order right, we are humbly learning that something as simple as "supply buying" is not as simple as it sounds and it's going to take a lot of learning to get this job right.

PS

And about the rocking chair... a good friend of mine came over and convinced me it's not as awful as it looks. :) It would be more accurate to say it is just not my style rather than it's hideously ugly. :) So sorry if I came off whiny or ungrateful.

Brant is still going to try to stain when he can find the time (and the stain!)

Resolution and peace

Brant and I started the new year with several goals... we don't really make "New Year's Resolutions" but always line out some goals for the year. One of our goals was to make the most of this down time we have found ourselves in by spending large chunks of concentrated time in God's Word. Part of each morning I would watch the boys while he went next door (empty house) to read and pray and then we would switch and I would have time to just sit and read and pray and soak in the Bible.

It has been a wonderful time. I've been doing a Bible study by Linda Dillow called Calm My Anxious Heart. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. Literally changed my outlook on life in the last few weeks. I thought the book was on fear - which as a mommy, I tend to have lots of fears. "What if one of the boys gets some horrible disease over here?" "What if Ezra chokes on one of the million Legos lying around?" etc, etc, etc.

But the book is really about contentment - a lesson I need to learn. Contentment with what I have and how I look, yes, but also deeper issues - learning to be content with what the Lord is doing in my life - what He's allowing me to go through and ways that He has orchestrated my circumstances - am I content and at peace with how He is working?

It kinda goes back to the alcohol post.... my perspective on life is flawed... like I am drunk. When I view my life from my perspective, I am discontent and anxious and try to manipulate people and circumstances so that my life is how I think it should be. When my perspective is lined up with God's and I recognize that only He sees all the details and the big picture clearly, then I can rest in whatever circumstances I am in - knowing that He is in control.

Been a very, very good lesson for me to learn.

And the issue of "What are we doing here?" is getting resolved... quickly, quietly, simply. We now have a "job." Leadership has asked a family here in town to go home for a time to work on some family issues they are having. They have been serving as the supply buyer, so leadership has asked us to take their place. The timing is perfect - we are committed until August in this assignment and then a new family that we are potentially going to partner with are coming in September, so we could partner with them then and open a new tribal work.

We are excited about the supply buying. Some aspects are incredibly complicated and mind-boggling to try to figure out as we start, but overall, we feel like it will be a really good fit for our personalities and gifts. Basically, we will be buying whatever a missionary in the tribe needs... be that toilet paper or apples or rice... or plane tickets or a new computer or birthday presents for their kids. Basic necessities are flown in quarterly to different tribal locations - so we do all the grocery shopping in huge quantities. Special requests come up often. (Like one we got today "Help, my MP3 player broke and I can't record my language sessions" or one last week "Can you call the manufacturer in the States for this new freezer that's not working")

We officially take over next week and lots to learn and do before then. One thing I am praying is that we will be able to schedule our time and millions of shopping trips so we can still get our Bible study time in. I am learning peace doesn't come from having a clear ministry description or fulfilling job - it comes from time aligning my thoughts with the Lord's.

The rocking chair, part 2

The other news to start the new year is that my rocking chair is finished! The gentleman who has been building it for me called Brant yesterday to tell him to come pick it up. We were so excited!

Brant loaded the beautiful loaner rocking chair into the car and came back an hour later with the new rocking chair... my own chair.

Now, I should stop and say right now that I was never involved in the making of this new chair. Brant went over several times to talk with the man and check on its progress, but I never did - I think we thought it would be a great surprise if I only saw the finished product. Not sure why we thought that was a great idea....

The rocking chair is ugly. Hideously, hideously ugly. I am almost crying as I write this and I feel like such a jerk. Kind, nice grandfather type offers to build me my own rocking chair and spends months working on it and all I can say is it's ugly... I really am an ungrateful jerk.

I loved the first chair he built. It was a classic, dark, hard wood with straight lines. A few months ago Brant did mention that he wouldn't be able to use the same wood as he didn't have enough dry to build a chair. My thought at the time was to me, a tree is a tree, so who cares what type of wood is used?

But, ah ha - we are in Papua, the end of the world, and the land of exotic and weird stuff. The chair Brant brought in yesterday was bright RED. Dark burnt orange-brick would probably be a more correct term, though the little boys' toy fire trucks do actually match pretty good. At first I thought he has just made a mistake staining it, then come to find out the chair isn't stained at all - it's the real color of the wood. Who knew there were such ugly trees out there? :)

And it's not straight - I love straight lines on rocking chairs - not frilly, curving, carved things. But it's curvy and carved... he was trying something new.

Needless to say it was kinda a crummy day. I was trying to hard to like the chair - and I AM thankful for it - it rocks nicely and is well built. I really appreciate his effort and total selflessness in building it for me. But I don't like it. :(

The whole chair episode led to a rough evening for me and Brant. It occurred to me that we have dated or been married for almost 13 years and he did not know my tastes well enough to know all those months of checking in on the rocking chair that it wasn't exactly the type of rocker I was dreaming about. I know it's not a conversation most couples have "What's your dream rocking chair look like?" but my whole personality doesn't exactly scream "I love frilly, odd, glossy-looking orange things" :)

Anyways, not going to take the time to post a picture of the new rocking chair. :( We might try sanding it down and staining it, though I'm not quite sure we can cover the red. Brant offered black spray paint. :) Will see. :)

Needing some rum...

So, starting the new year out with a bang, I will bring up the subject of alcohol. Very touchy subject, I know; especially as a missionary who is supposed to be a good example, role model, etc, etc, etc. Also particularly touchy subject here in Papua as there are members of the "other religion" who are very opposed to alcohol and the "Christians" here believe that anyone who ever drinks alcohol could never go to heaven. Between the two groups, it is impossible to find any type of alcoholic beverage in any store on the island.

New subject (they will tie together in a minute) : Brant and I made an agreement that during the holidays we would not talk about our next ministry assignment or stress about it at all. We would just enjoy the holidays and take a break and kinda regroup from a crazy year. The holidays are now over. Friday night I was sitting reading my Bible and praying about "What are we going to do next?" and I just got so incredibly angry all over again about our situation. (Wow, talking about alcohol and anger in the same blog - you now know I am not the perfect missionary!) :)

( It's not necessary to go into all the details of our situation but suffice it to say, our plans got pretty messed up last year. There was some sin issues involved and some lack of communication on our mission leadership's part and we are stuck here for the time being without a clear purpose and direction. I have really struggled with God's sovereignty in all this - did His plans get messed up or was that His plan all along or how do people's actions affect my life and His plans for my life? Not going to go into all that now... we were hurt by some other people and it's hard to trust that God is working in that situation. At times I get so angry about it all, but I have learned a lot about God's sovereignty and trusting Him through the whole situation. )

So there I was a couple nights ago, getting angry all over again and just praying that the Lord would give me peace and patience and help me forgive and not be bitter and angry. As we were getting ready for bed, I told Brant that I was upset again about the whole mess and we started talking... no use trying to go to bed angry about it again. I don't really remember all he said, except there was an off-handed remark about how "we see through a mirror dimly."

Immediately the Lord brought to mind an essay I read during our first year on the field about the Jewish holiday Purim. Quick Jewish culture and history lesson - Purim is the holiday celebrating the Jews' deliverance from Haman in the book of Esther. I love the book of Esther and have read it MANY times in the last year as it is such a clear picture of how God controls every minute aspect of peoples' lives - their whims, their dreams, their ability to sleep at night. :) The Jews still celebrate Purim today, and the orthodox have developed the tradition of getting drunk on Purim. The tradition is they are to drink until they can no longer say "Haman is evil and Mordecai is good" ...the thinking behind the practice is that during the time of Esther, the Jews lived with a lot of uncertainty. They did not know how the story was going to turn out and though God was working, they could not see it. Basically, their senses of what was happening failed them - they could not see with their eyes what God was doing. So today they get drunk to remind themselves that their senses are fallible - that though they think they walk through life with the ability to see, to hear, to reason - in reality, these sensations are blurry because they only see such a small part of what God is really doing.

I love the analogy. Though I have never been drunk before, I have overdosed on malaria medication once (total accident when we first got here!) and I was so sick I could not see straight - or walk straight. Now that I am fine, I assume that what I see around me - the offending people, the pointless circumstances - I assume these things are real and that my eyes see accurately. But in reality I see through a glass dimly - I see as a drunk person - for only God sees the whole picture and only He knows all the details He is working together to bring about the end of the story He has already written.

I just pulled out my nifty new 2010 calendar (thanks, Mom! can't buy them here) :) Purim is celebrated February 27 this year. I would love to get a bottle of rum or red wine or something to just have a little drink of alcohol on that day - not planning on going all out like the Jews :) but just want to remind myself again that God is in control and I need to trust His sight while my own is failing.